Abba, Books, and CommercialVision

Our Birth Story: A Completely Natural Hospital Birth.

2011-10-10T15:06:00.004-07:00

Our story starts at around 7 PM on Wednesday, 14 September 2011. I had started feeling more and more contractions, and for the first time ever, they were causing my low back to ache and my abdomen to feel crampy. My husband and I decided that we weren’t going to “freak out” about it, and went out to dinner at Red Lobster, joking that it might be our last dinner as a “single couple.” :)

When we got home, we did our typical thing: got comfy in our recliners and switched on “Dexter” (we just started season 2- haha). After a couple episodes, Kevin said he was tired and we both went to bed together. I slept maybe a total of an hour and then woke up to more cramping and the bad back aches, but I was used to not sleeping by this point due to acid reflux and pregnancy insomnia! So I just got up and walked around the living room. By 2 AM (15 September 2011), I was definitely having to breathe through each contraction, but I was still sort of in denial (I was 41 weeks and 2 days pregnant at that point and thought it’d never happen!). At 3 AM, I was certain this had to be something, and I went to go lie back down to try and rest. That ended up waking up my husband, because I was breathing pretty deeply by that point.

Until 6 AM, my husband and I laboured together in bed. I squeezed his hand and the headboard of the bed, and made sure to make the low groans and moans and deep breaths that I had read help to “open up” everything inside you. We didn’t want to call my doula too early, because we were both still a little reluctant to believe that this was “it.” So we had waited until a “decent” hour, then texted her. At that point, I was getting a little frantic and had started tearing up, so I got in the shower, letting the warm water run over me while I hung off the top of the shower railing during contractions and sort of swayed my hips around.

When Marivette (our doula) showed up about 15 minutes later, things started getting real. I was having a lot of back pain, so she suggested I put my leg up on a chair (like the Captain Morgan’s pose) and swaying through several contractions to have the baby rotate off my back. We turned on KLOVE radio in both the living room and the bedroom, because coincidentally, the landscapers we had hired to fix the backyard had started making all kinds of noise (jackhammers, yelling, hammering, etc). Marivette encouraged me to eat little snacks since I was starting to get shaky, but I just wasn’t hungry- I was too nervous and excited and well… in pain… to be thinking about food. I’d eat, but it just felt like lead in my stomach.

We just kept going and going, the pain kept ramping up, and I was getting less and less able to focus through the pain. I wanted to lie down on the bed because the shaking was getting uncontrollable, and Marivette stacked pillows around me, under me, behind me, etc. Kevin went about packing things up, taking a shower, getting himself and our things ready, while Marivette massaged my legs and feet and hands through each contraction, encouraging my now louder moans and deep breaths. It was so difficult to relax my body when all I wanted to do was kick and cry and tense my back and belly up!

At around 11 AM, Marivette suggested that Kevin check my cervix, which is something my obstetrician had given him sterile gloves for and showed him how to do. Marivette got out her dilation cards that can help determine how “wide” the cervix is throughout labour. Kevin checked me between a contraction, and said that it felt like I was at about a tight 6 cm dilated. He called our obstetrician’s office to let them know, and they suggested we head out in an hour or two, and that they’d be calling the hospital to let them know we’d be coming. After some reluctance and nervousness on my part, I agreed with Kevin and Marivette that we should leave around noon or 12:30 to get to the hospital.

When that time finally came, we piled all our bags and pillows (I brought my body pillow and two of my head pillows from home- SUCH a good idea!) into the car, along with snacks and water and all that fun stuff. I was really nervous about the car ride, since my mom said that was just horrible when she was driving to the hospital to give birth to me. Turns out, it wasn’t so bad. We switched on KLOVE again, which was so soothing, and I grabbed onto the door handle every time a contraction hit. Kevin thinks it’s funny that I made labour into a “religious experience” (his words)- every contraction, I would moan: “Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Lord God” and sometimes try to sing with the radio.

(Side note: If it sounds like labour was “easy” or “fun” so far- it wasn’t. At that point, it wasn’t the “worst” of it, but it was HARD.)

When we got to the hospital, my husband called out to the valet to get a wheelchair. A hospital “transporter” took me into the ER, where a nurse asked “Why are you here, Hun?” I looked at her skeptically: “I’m in LABOUR.” So she called up to labour and delivery, then pushed me over to the side, where about a dozen people were waiting in the ER, all of the staring right at me as I moaned through contractions. :| Marivette said: “Jeez, just put you on display!” and helped me turn myself away from the gawkers.

When we got up to the maternity ward, we found out that there were no rooms available. The nurses were absolutely ice-cold in personality, and kept asking questions, even as I was moaning through contractions. We got set up on a gurney in the hallway, along with 2 or 3 other women, where anyone who was walking by could see (and definitely hear!) me. At that point, they asked me to put on a hospital gown. I told them I’d wear my own (the Pretty Pushers gown!), and Kevin and Marivette helped me put in on, right there in the open. Speaking of “out in the open,” the nurse strapped me up to a portable contraction/fetal heart tone monitor and then brutally (like seriously, the worst ever) checked my cervix for dilation and effacement. I was bummed to hear that I was still at a “5-6 cm” with about 80% effacement.

At that point, we were getting pretty aggressive with the nurses, and Kevin pulled out our birth plan- yes, we were planning on going all-natural. This is where things were starting to get fuzzy. Kevin did a lot of the talking with the nurses (he was such a great advocate for me!) and Marivette helped me through each contraction. You could tell they didn’t see or hear too many naturally labouring mothers in the active stages, because Kevin helped me to the restroom down the hall (used by the whole maternity ward and general public!), and after peeing, I had a hard contraction and started moaning and leaning on Kevin… this alarmed the nurses, who started knocking frantically and asking: “Are you okay in there!?” My husband said: “Yes, she’s just in labour!”

(Turns out one of the nurses was actually a friend of mine from when I was working in medical records, too! :P She pulled some strings, and within 15 minutes, they had a room for me, praise the Lord! Also, my mother-in-law is the chief clinical dietitian there at the hospital and had quietly/secretly come up to pull rank to get me a room, too. I didn’t know she was there until AFTER I had the baby, though.)

They took some blood “just in case” I needed a transfusion- thankfully, that didn’t hurt. However, when I got to my room, the “brutal cervical exam” nurse came in to place a heplock/saline lock (basically, a line into my vein, just in case they had to start an IV, but without the fluids), and she TOTALLY popped a vein! :( Can you believe that was the only time I had burst into tears by that point!? So after she casually said: “Oops, it didn’t take- we’ll have to try again,” I immediately said NO, and agreed that I was refusing to have any needles (whether IV or heplock) in my arm! To me, that was so awesome. :) As for monitoring, they called my obstetrician, who said that they could do intermittent monitoring- he wanted my contractions and fetal heart tones to be monitored for 20 minutes, every hour. It wasn’t so awesome, since I kept wanting to shower, or pee, or even just walk around/get comfortable in the bed, but it was better than being in a blood pressure cuff, with two tight straps around my belly the entire time in labour!

After several more hours, my “peaceful” demeanour had disappeared. I was yelling, kicking, tensing up through every painful contraction. I will be totally honest when I say that I REALLY wanted that epidural- or to just die. But Marivette would not let me back down, and just kept swabbing my body down with cold washcloths. (Oh, did I mention that the Pretty Pushers gown came off after the first shower I took at the hospital, and I ended up just being naked for the rest of my time at the hospital? :P) I kept gripping the handles of the bed, and foccused on the whiteboard behind Kevin’s head (he was now standing in front of me, and Marivette was behind me massaging my low back really hard and encouraging every “good birthing moan” I was doing).

I started crying when I agreed to a cervical exam, and found out that I was still at a 6-7 cm. I thought it would never end! I was shaking violently, and just wanted out of my body! I was exhausted too, since I hadn’t slept and hadn’t eaten since 1130 AM (when I had some pea soup). But the contractions just kept coming, the pain just kept coming, and Marivette’s firm reassurance that I could do it just kept coming. I was glad the nurses stayed out of the room unless they were coming in to hook me up for my 20 minutes of monitoring. I think they might have been scared! :P

After a few more hours, I felt like I had to poop- really, really badly. I had Kevin help me to the toilet, and suddenly, I needed to grunt and I felt like I was going to go “number two”… We worked through that for a little bit, then I got in the shower again, where I squatted through that pooping feeling (not to mention, yelled about how I “have to poop so bad!” every 30 seconds or so!). Back to the toilet, then back in the shower, then back on the toilet, then back on the bed, naked and wet.

At that point, Marivette was concerned, and didn’t want me pushing unless my cervix was ready (dilated/effaced enough). She had them check me, and I was at a 9.5! I still didn’t believe that was far enough along after so many hours, but at least Marivette wasn’t as concerned, and encouraged me to make little short grunts instead of allowing me to bear down fully. I still thought I just had to go poop! :P And oh, then my membranes (water) finally broke- and despite being totally wrapped up in the pain of labour, I was thrilled to hear my husband announce that it was clear- “no meconium!”

I was so exahusted by that point. I was in pain, terrified, and felt like I wanted to die. I kept asking them to just cut the baby out, and that I didn’t want the baby after all. The little grunts had become full-time hard pushes. Kevin said it was incredible to see me grimace through each contraction, because I looked like I was smiling! Haha, yeah right! I thought my butt was going to fall off, and I kept announcing that to everyone in the room. The next time I got checked, I was fully-dilated and my obstetrician was paged.

When he got there, everyone helped me scoot down to the bottom of the bed, where there were stirrups. I had thought that I would want to squat or get on all-fours, but in that moment, I was so exhausted that I didn’t fight pushing on my back. The pushing was excruciatingly painful and felt like it took forever! I guess he kept popping out, then back in, despite me pushing with my body- makes sense and is only natural, but in the moment, it was horribly painful and frustrating (especially since everyone kept saying “You’re doing great! Just one more push!”… except that “one more push” was actually, like, 50 more pushes). My obstetrician had to really stretch me, and Kevin got in there and massaged me with mineral oil, while Marivette pushed a warm washcloth on my perineum. I guess the baby needed to be rotated to the side, too, since his head bones were pushing against my pelvic bones.

Again, I thought I was going to die, and at the end, I was full-out screaming at some points. After around 1.5 hours of pushing, however, my husband pulled our beautiful baby boy out and onto my chest! The doctor almost clamped the cord immediately, but after Kevin mentioned waiting, he immediately stopped. Because I didn’t have Pitocin pumped into my body afterwards (to stop the bleeding), they had to massage my uterus really hard and the obstetrician ended up needing to go up inside my uterus and pull out a few blood clots to keep me from going septic later. It was excruciating! He also had to suture up several internal tears, but I didn’t have any external tearing. But it was so awesome, because Lucas immediately latched on! It was amazing! Of course, Kevin burst out into tears of joy after pulling him out, and all I could say was: “Oh, my beautiful boy!”

Lucas Dean was born at exactly 9 PM on 15 September 2011, weighing 7 pounds, 7.58 ounces, measuring 20.5 inches. He has blonde hair and blue/grey eyes, long fingers and toes, and perfectly chubby cheeks. <3

More photos here: Welcome to the World, Baby Lucas!

Week 39 and 40.

2011-09-13T09:32:00.005-07:00

These last two weeks, I was really starting to get hopeful. Dr Hoang had said I would give birth sometime during 39 weeks, if not right on my due date. Of course... that didn't happen, did it? I was pretty much depressed and lonely all of week 39, waiting waiting waiting. On my due date (exactly 40 weeks), we went to the OB. I was 1 cm dialated, but no other “progress.” Thankfully, no talk of induction since Baby was doing great! :D Heart beat was a steady 140 BPM. Supposedly, I was having a contraction during the exam, too, and I had no clue… Hmmm. After the exam, we went to Red Lobster for dinner. Yum. I started having a bunch of what I thought were contractions, so we walked around the neighbourhood three times when we got home. Nothing "productive" happened- just got really tired.

The biggest symptoms I'm having are the groin cramps, shooting pains up my hooha, non-painful contractions, back aches, hungry all the time, severe insomnia (I've been sleeping on the couch and wandering around the house in the wee hours of the morning), and major emotional disturbances. I swear, I feel like I'm going crazy! I have run/walked on the treadmill, bounced on my birthing ball (so generously loaned to me by a friend), drank red raspberry leaf tea (to tone the uterus), cleaned the house and did loads of laundry (after we finally got our washer fixed!), gone for a really long drive all around town with Kevin, etc. It really doesn't help that I get a messages on Facebook or texts or calls nearly everyday asking if the baby is here yet. Ahhh! And of course, there are the folks that feel like they need to put in their "two cents" about induction and natural birth. UGH. I know, I know... the advice will only get worse once the baby is here, but seriously?! RAAAARRR! But hey, something super cool? I won a giveaway for a lovely Pretty Pushers labour and delivery gown! (That's the black "dress" I'm wearing in the second photo there...)

Weeks 37 and 38.

2011-09-12T08:32:00.004-07:00

Alright, again, this has taken me awhile to summarise and get up here on my blog. It's hard to believe that, as of when I am writing this post, 37 weeks is a month ago! At any rate, at 37 weeks +2 days, I had an OB appointment... and our first cervical check. That was certainly interesting (not too painful, but not very comfortable). Dr Hoang said my cervix was still closed, maybe dilated to 1/2 centimetre, but he didn’t think I’d make it to 40 weeks! (Sidenote: Too bad that estimate was off!) They finally did an ultrasound to estimate his weight, he was at 5.5 pounds, so Dr Hoang thought he’ll be around 6 pounds, 12 ounces to 7 pounds, 2 ounces by the time he’s born! :) Speaking of weight, I had only gained 1 pounds in 3.5 weeks, so that was a relief- I totally had thought I gained 5 pounds, but I guess he really had just dropped and that was the “weight” I was feeling! ;) And the best part was that the doctor was totally down with our birth plan when we shared it with him! :D He didn't just glance at it, either. He spent time going over it, and expressed his concern over a couple points (like taking photos/videos of the birth, which the hospital does not allow, period :|). So that was reassuring, for sure.

The next night (Friday), I woke up choking and hacking on my own vomit. After aspirating barf into my lungs, I had to induce full-blown vomiting into the toilet to even get any sort of relief. I got very little sleep, though gladly, Kevin can sleep through nearly anything (so long as I reassure him I’m fine). :P

At 9 AM (Saturday), we went to “part deux” of the hospital childbirth education class, which actually wasn’t so bad that time around. I was very glad that the nurse was very adamant on explaining how breastfeeding is the only way to go (“unless you’re shooting up heroine or doing cocaine, of course”) and that breastmilk should be the norm. (I always have thought it’s weird that people say it’s “best” and put it up on a pedestal- no, breastmilk is just what we should be automatically feeding our children, and formula should be considered the last-ditch artifical option, like it is.) Of course, we practised some relaxed breathing, though I couldn’t really get into the relaxation because Kevin kept teasing/interrupting me and saying: “Don’t fall asleep!” (Grrr, seriously?) I love him though. :) At any rate, after the breathing exercises, we were supposed to get down on our backs and “practise” coached pushing. Uhm, no. Don’t get me wrong- if that’s how I want to give birth, I will, but I definitely don’t want someone counting to ten and it just makes sense that upright positions are the best for pushing and giving birth (not lying on your back like a disabled turtle, closing off your pelvis and making it difficult for Baby to squeeze through)! So, I just rested for a few minutes while they all practised putting their chins to their chests and counted to ten three times. Haha.

After receiving our certificate of graduation from the class (and an evaluation form that I readily filled out!), we went to lunch (of course, it was around 2-230 at that point, and both of us were starving)! I got this “feeling” that Kevin’s parents might be at the same place that we were going, and sure enough, there they were! So we chatted with them for awhile.

Later that night, we had to go to a bridal shower for one of Kevin’s many cousins- we got her fiance and her a 3-piece cookie sheet set and a 6-piece Pyrex storage set, and boy, did I have fun trying to find something to wrap it with. :P We can’t come to the actual wedding (which is on 17 September), so despite being literally exhausted, we both decided it would be the good thing to suck it up and go to the shower. Happily, it was a BBQ co-ed luau (much like our baby shower), and it was a lot of fun. Of course, I got a lot of people ooo-ing and ahhh-ing over my belly, and a few relatives were taking "birthday bets." My in-laws hoped he would come on 26 August (my father-in-law’s birthday), and a couple cousins said the 2, 16, and 19 September. (Sidenote: Looks like the folks who guessed I would go early, including my doctor, were totally off, eh?) I told the cousins that I sure hoped I wouldn’t go to the 19th since that would be 2 weeks “overdue”! :P At any rate, we headed home around 945 PM, totally depleted.

By 38 weeks, the exhaustion had really started to get to me. Every single night, I would wake up with acid reflux, itching all over, and HOT. I'd walk around the house, have a drink, eat a graham cracker (settles the acid?), and then try to lie down again. And this is AFTER I take 25 mg of diphenhydramine (the stuff that makes you sleepy in Benedryl)...

Saw the doctor again. He did a cervical check, which was a tad more painful than the previous time- my OB seemed a little more nervous than usual, but I suspected it was because he had a surgery to go to in less than an hour. I had gained another pound in a week (UGH!), which depending on my pre-pregnancy weight (I’m not really sure where I started) brought me up to a total weight gain of 22-32 pounds. SAD! After his check, he told us he could feel the baby’s head, that I was still about 1/2 cm dilated, about 65-70% effaced. He predicted that the baby could come during week 39. (Sidenote: Sadly, this prediction was off, once again.)

Afterwards, we had dinner. When we got up from the table, I suddenly got these horrific sharp, shooting pains (kind of like charlie horse cramps) in the tendons between my upper-inner thighs and pubic area (like the bikini line area). I could barely make it to the car, and was breathing so hard to calm the pain that my husband was sort of in shock. He thought I was having contractions. No, Hunny, I’m just a wuss, I suppose. :P

Because I thought we would be having the baby the following week, I got working on packing a hospital bag:

-A little outfit packed for Lucas (both NB and 0-3 sizes, socks, hat, and blanket).
-5 pairs of Depends underwear (yeah, I said it).
-My mini-toiletries bag.
-Camera (charged).
-3 copies of our birth plan.
-1 copy of hospital pre-registration paperwork.

I don't really remember much more about this week, because I was in THE worst funk ever. Even my doula started pissing me off, and she's one of the nicest and most sympathetic women. All I wanted was my husband with me, day and night, so I started feeling so lonely while he was at work. (I wonder if this is some sort of animal instinct?) This is the week that the pain became commonplace, exhaustion was typical, and I began feeling like I was pushing everyone away. Oh, and I started wanting to devour the kitchen. Not really hungry, but like OMG I JUST WANT TO EAT. Sigh...

I'll be updating with weeks 39 and 40 soon, hopefully.

Weeks 35 and 36.

2011-08-29T15:14:00.007-07:00

I am so bad about putting my thoughts/progress into one lump sum of a blog post. Anyway, week 35 brought a lot of the same symptoms that I had mentioned before, especially insomnia due to reflux (it gets so bad that sometimes I'll throw up involuntarily!). Also, We had our second prenatal "class" at our home with our doula. The topic was breastfeeding. Quite interesting to practise baby holds with a creepy smiling doll. Haha. We finally received our car seat, and Kevin installed it in my car. I swear, everytime I get in my car, I have a mental freak-out. ("What the heck is that in my backseat?") On that Saturday, I decided to participate in the Team in Training 5K with my dear friend Katie T. She was so awesome for walking with me the whole 3.1 miles (and most of it was surprisingly a trail route- something I'm not very apt at, so to speak) in 80-85 degree heat. We finished in 53 minutes, which is definitely nowhere close to a PR (but shockingly, I finished ahead of 20 other participants- 78 out of 98). The biggest weight off my shoulders during week 35 was finishing my birth plan...

By week 36, Baby Boy dropped. Like a bomb. I didn't realise it at first, but as the week went on, my shirts started fitting wonky (belly hanging out), and I began feeling shooting/sharp pains in the hoo-ha area (almost like a UTI?). I was pretty sure I lost my mucus plug, but I couldn't really be absolutely sure. By the end of the week, I was feeling awful. I started getting these horrible groin cramps (like a "charlie horse" in the tendons between my upper-inner thigh and pubic area), stopping me dead in my tracks and unable to continue walking. To top it all off, our washing machine started leaking everywhere. UGH! Okay, but anyway... Awesome things that happened this week? My mom got me the BOB 2011 Fitness Strides jogging stroller, the nursery dresser was delivered (all 190 pounds of it, which my handsome hubby so deftly transported from the garage into the baby's room with only a mini-cart to help him), and we received a Moby Wrap in the mail from Kevin's boss. :)

End note: I will write up a summary blog for weeks 37 and 38 soon. I swear, all I do is sleep these days!

Our Maternity Photos!

2011-08-01T11:09:00.003-07:00

Here are the rest of the photos taken on 28 July, at 34 weeks, 2 days pregnant, by our friend Amy: Lily's Maternity Shoot! Can you believe that she is not a professional photographer?

Weeks 32, 33, and 34.

2011-07-28T08:57:00.009-07:00

Wow, so... Week 32, I had an ultrasound at my OBGYN's office. My weight gain is starting to "mellow out," so to speak, which is not a bad thing since I am up 20-25 pounds (not sure how much since I didn't really weigh myself pre-pregnancy). We discussed some of my birth preferences, and it seemed like he was pretty much on board with a natural birth (even if it will be in the hospital)... As for symptoms, I'm still dealing with major reflux, insomnia, and as of week 32, we noticed "leaky teats" as Kevin so cutely calls it. Haha.

Week 33 was a total whirlwind. First of all, after many cancellations and mishaps, I finally got to have a childbirth education class with my doula! It was great because she came to our house, where we could talk and laugh and relax in the privacy of our own home. Also, our baby shower was planned for 33 weeks, 4 days, and boy, was the planning sheer insanity. My mom was so awesome and had several people cleaning and fixing up her house for the party, and even put up water misters since the weather station had predicted triple-digit heat! My baby shower hostess (Stephanie) did so much too: buying decorations, getting favours, ordering chairs/tables, and of course, all the food. A couple days before, I started getting worried, because I found out that we were going to have to pay a large chunk (350$ + 100$ from invitations)- and after a lot of self-analysing, I realised that it wasn't even about the money, after all. But even that worked out, because my mom was so generous that she paid for all the catering. (o_o) Can I just say AMAZING?!

At any rate, I could go on forever about the details, but in the end... the baby shower was utterly amazing. Yes, there was lots of drama and no, it didn’t go perfectly (100-degree heat was pretty bad). But it was such a blessing to be in the company of such amazing friends and family, and we were literally “showered” with gifts. Seriously- it was shocking! :) Thank God for all the love. Now I must take on the daunting task of figuring out where everything is going to go, as well as purchase a lot of our essentials (car seat, dresser, organisers, etc) for Lucas’ room. I was walking around in my heels so much that I honestly felt like a cripple for the next couple days. Haha.

Anyway...Can I just say: I love that Lucas has the hiccups so often. Poor little guy. But Momma thinks it’s so cute. By the way, my belly measurements are up by 1.5 inches from just a few weeks ago- we found out after playing the "guess Momma's belly measurements" game. He is definitely getting bigger! But evidently, my friend who had only seen me in photos thinks that I “look bigger on Facebook than in person”! Haha, that’s not something you hear everyday!

Also, here are some of the amazing photos that one of our lovely friends took at the shower: Kevin and Lily's Shower. Her photography throughout the day was like a gift of its own, since we hadn’t met her until then (she is my husband’s former coworker’s wife)! She got some really cute unplanned “maternity” photos for Kevin and me. :) Here are some of my (less impressive) photos that I got: Our Baby Shower.

After walking around in kitten heels for 5-6 hours while heavily pregnant and mingling with guests (I kept forgetting to sit down, relax, drink water, eat, everything- haha), my sciatic nerve was so shot that I slept maybe a grand total of 2 hours for the next few days after the shower because I was so uncomfortable. I could hardly walk! My right foot went into a “charlie horse” cramp, and my second toe curled up all funky. It was quite odd… and quite uncomfortable!!! It’s amazing how much the body (and mind) changes while pregnant.

Speaking of “the mind” changing, that reminds me of something cute and funny that happened at the shower. Kevin’s cousin Misty has a ~9-month-old little girl who is sooo precious and (in my opinion) looks like one of those adorable troll dolls from the 90’s (a compliment, I promise you). Well, I guess Misty was telling me something, but I was totalllllly zoned-out on her daughter (tickling her little arm, waving bye-bye, talking to her) and hadn’t even heard what Misty said. When the baby girl reached out to me so I could hold her, it was heart-melting, because Misty said she never lets “new people” hold her. Kevin and Misty just laughed and said: “Yep, the ‘Mom Bomb’ has gone off!”

Now that I am in my 34th week, labour is becoming more and more real- I really need to put together a “birth plan” soon, if I am going to. Had my last ultrasound to check if there was enough amniotic fluid to last until birth, and the doctor said everything was good! Baby Boy is still measuring small (33 weeks, 3 days instead of 34+), so the doc doesn’t think he’ll be more than 7.5 pounds at max! But… ya never know.

I have only gained 2 pounds in the last 5 weeks, thankfully; it seemed like my first and second trimester I was just gaining and gaining non-stop. I know he is bigger, though, because my waist measurement went from 37 inches to 38.5 inches in the last month or so! I only know that, though, because I measured myself randomly out of curiosity at around 30 weeks, and then we played the “how big is the momma’s belly?” game at our baby shower. Haha.

We discussed my preferences for birth, and I’ll be honest… I am rather apprehensive. I do like my doctor, and I think he is more open than some providers. However, he seemed pretty set on doing an episiotomy at any slight sign that I may tear. And I still haven’t even talked to him about my other wishes (delayed cord clamping, delayed weighing/measuring/vaccination, continuous monitoring, etc). I guess this is where I am glad that I have a doula, as well as a husband who is on my side when it comes to my preferences. I know I cannot plan out Lucas' birth perfectly, but I want to make it the least traumatic as I can. For those moms who have given birth naturally in the hospital (no pain medication, induction, or augmentation), what are some good ways to positively express my wishes to my doctor? To the hospital staff?

Welp, tonight I am probably doing maternity photos with my hubby. My sister's lovely friend offered to take them for me, as she is down in Bakersfield to visit. Hopefully I'll be able to edit this blog post to post a few of her photos later! :) I will end this blog with an amazing quote I read by childbirth "expert" Ina May Gaskin:

"Remember this, for it is as true as true gets: Your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth as well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo. Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body."

Weeks 30 and 31.

2011-07-11T12:16:00.014-07:00

These last couple weeks have been busy, busy, busy. During week 30, I spent my 4th of July weekend with my in-laws and a couple of their friends. We headed to Lake Nacimiento in the RV, toting the boat behind us. I was eager to get a little sun and try out my new maternity swimsuit. Despite not being able to do any waterskiing or wakeboarding (I don't really like doing either, typically, anyway), I did enjoy going out on the boat. I think Lucas didn't know WHAT to think, as we bounced over the water. However, it was great to get out and swim around a bunch- "they" say water is good for a pregnant woman, and I think they're right. ;) I thought it was really special when my sister-in-law got to feel Baby Boy having the hiccups. By the end of the weekend, ultimately, I was exhausted, though. My back was really acting up on the trip home, and I was glad to be back in the air-conditioning (even if it was 107 degrees outside at home)!

Oh, and did I mention that we went for a 3D ultrasound? It was a bummer that we didn't really get a clear picture of his face, since he had his hands and arms in front of it! However, we did get to see him blink, yawn, and munch on his hand, not to mention him showing off his little boy parts! And now, the horrible reflux I've been having makes a little more sense- the ultrasound technician immediately noted lots of hair on his head. No wonder I've been downing Tums like it's going out of style! :P Here's the video my husband caught using his iPhone:

The weekend of week 31, I spent time at the coast with my mom's side of the family (my grandma, aunt, sister, male cousin, uncle, and my female cousin + her two precious kids). My cousin Lindsey and her kids Bailey (age almost 3) and Oliver (age 1) live in Australia, where her husband is from, so I rarely get to see them (the last time was August 2009). In fact, this was the first time I got to meet little Oliver! It's always pretty hectic when it comes to my family (no, seriously, NO ONE ever ends up agreeing on what we're doing), so by the time Sunday rolled around, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. My family and I spent a lot of time walking around at farmers markets in Morro Bay and San Luis Obispo... and every night, I totally conked out back at the hotel with my hubby. I think I experienced my first noticeable Braxton Hicks contraction after a particularly crazy day of bouncing a baby (Oliver) and trying to help my cousin manage a sassy 3-year-old (Bailey). ;) Also, I noticed lots of belly cramping and my sciatic nerve was just going crazy. :( I'm almost "beached whale" status with this belly! Haha.

Yep, so... that's all I can think of for now! I know, I know, not very detailed, but I'm too tired to think clearly today. Bye for now!

Yes, that is our baby boy's hand during the ultrasound at 30 weeks, 2 days!

Weeks 28 and 29.

2011-06-26T12:25:00.004-07:00

Pregnancy is becoming more and more real everyday. Not only did I find an outcropping of ruby-coloured stretchmarks extending across my ever-expanding fleshy buttocks this morning (29 weeks, 5 days), but acid reflux has become a daily plague that causes me to burp and vomit at the same time (morning, noon, and especially at night). In fact, one night, I "slept" in my husband's recliner because otherwise, I am sure I would have drowned in my own stomach acid. Mmm, pregnancy sure sounds fun, right?

Sorry for the negativity- that is probably attributable to my up-and-down rollercoaster hormones, which have kicked into high-gear. I can be okay one moment, and then a bawling mess the next. It takes a lot of energy to keep from just going nuts on myself and on my husband. I'm getting butt-hurt over the small, insignificant things. (Wow, yeah, my mind is still on those ugly butt stretchmarks, can you tell? >:|)

The 20 of June marked me going on disability leave, and though, YES, I KNOW IT'S EARLY (seriously, stop making me feel even more guilty about it!), I am glad that I have taken this time for myself. The stress and physical pain I was feeling at work was just not worth it, I realise, and I am glad my doctor was the one who flat-out suggested that I go on leave. At any rate, that doesn't mean that I'm not bored as heck, but I'm trying to start reading up on what to expect from birth and motherhood, and just finishing up projects.

On that note, we finally got our co-ed BBQ/pool party baby shower invitations sent out, and uhm, wow... lots of people were invited. I know most of them will probably not come, but stil! Let's hope no one brings any booze! Also, Kevin and his dad finished painting Lucas' room, and now I just feel that much more excited about his arrival.

We saw Dr Hoang at 29 weeks, 1 day, and now that I've decided to find out my weight everytime, I am thankful to say that my weight did not go up (in fact, it went "down" by .6 of a pound) in the last couple weeks. I'm just trying to be more conscious of when I'm eating, and of my snacks (fruit instead of jellybeans and frozen yoghurt, Subway 6-inch veggie sandwich instead of hospital cafeteria lasagne), because Lord knows, I don't want to gain more weight than I need to. (Plus, everyone seems to think it's a great idea to rub it in that the last trimester is when you "really start getting big!") Despite that, I am still not okay with what my lower half is doing (seemingly ballooning up)... and that was just compounded when I tried on a maternity tankini swimsuit earlier this week. I spent the rest of the night sobbing my eyes out, after discovering several stretchmarks running down my thighs under my butt. And yes, I know that sounds ridiculous, but I have to be able to mourn the loss of my body, even if Lucas is our blessing and miracle.

At any rate, I talked to the doctor about my birth preferences (heplock/no IV, intermittent monitoring/being able to move around, and having a doula with us) and, in his words, he said: “I want this to be your best da_n pregnancy, so we have no problem whatsoever with allowing you to do whatever you want, as long as everything is going fine.” He seemed totally open about my doula being in the room and about going naturally (WITHOUT pitocin)! :) PHEW! What a weight off my shoulders, and I’m so glad that he is understanding. Let's just hope the hospital is equally respectful...

Weeks 25, 26, and 27.

2011-06-12T08:02:00.003-07:00

As shown in my last post, the last week has not been easy at all. Since the 5th of June, Kevin and I have been in deep mourning for the loss of our baby girl cat Minnie. It pretty much affected my ability to function or focus all of this last week. Two days ago (Thursday), I went in to the OBGYN a week earlier than expected, as I was having severe back pain. We had an ultrasound, and Baby Lucas is doing very well. However, my doctor advised me to go on disability leave. I'm still contemplating it, while I have a doctor's note for the next week.

During this appointment, like all OBGYN appointments, I stepped on the scale backwards. I expected the medical assistant to just nod, and say "Okay," and then I could put my shoes back on and be DONE with the worst part of the appointment. But no, this time she had to announce my weight to me. And it is HIGH. Higher than it has ever been in my life. After panicking a whole lot, I got up the nerve to ask my OBGYN if I was doing okay, and even went so far as to ask him if he would tell me if I was gaining too much. He said my weight gain was fine, and that he'd only mention it if I gained more than 20 pounds in the last 12+ weeks. At any rate, I am still not happy with what I weigh, and my thoughts are pretty much on two things: 1) having a safe, healthy, calm, and prayerfully natural birth... and 2) losing this baby weight while breastfeeding and getting back to training!

We interviewed our second doula yesterday, and she sounds like she might be "the one" for me. Kevin isn't so sure. But I love her philosophy on things like circumcision and breastfeeding. Not only does she provide 2-3 prenatal visits, but also 1-2 postpartum visits... and 1 full year of breastfeeding help. Which, considering I want to breastfeed and train for events again, I will need help, I'm sure. I have a feeling that she'll be helping me know just how much I actually need to be eating to produce a good amount of milk.

We decided to paint Lucas' room, so the bottom quarter of his room is a light blue and there is a dark brown border at the top. We'll be decorating with the turtle and polka-dot appliques. :) We also got the baby shower invitations in the mail, so I've been trying to slowly get all the envelopes addressed.

But yep, pretty much, I'm just more winded from any sort of activity, my back hurts all the time, and oh, I think I have some really itchy spider veins (let's pray they aren't actually tiny stretchmarks) on my outer thighs. Pregnancy has been harder than I thought it would be, and I don't feel like the blissful mommy-to-be that I should be, especially considering we tried for Lucas for so long.

A Kitty's Thanks. (A Poem.)

2011-06-06T16:37:00.008-07:00

I know you’re feeling sad,
but there’s no need to be -
even if I can’t be there, purring
and rubbing around your feet.

I’ve still got a windowsill,
and warm places in the sun.
Though no one really owns a cat,
for me, you were the one.

I know my time had come
and know that you did, too.
Please don’t think you did me wrong.
You did what you had to do.

You may be feeling guilty
that my life is at its end,
but please don’t feel that way.
Through memories, you’ll always be my friend.

-Author Unknown

Rest in peace, little princess Minnie. We love you so much. Thank you for gracing us with your precious presence. You were taken from us too soon, but you will never, ever be forgotten. (5 June 2011.)

Weeks 23 and 24.

2011-05-28T10:23:00.014-07:00

Man, I've been slacking with blogging. I feel like time is starting to go by so quickly, though! The last couple weeks have been a blur of hormones, exhaustion, and uncertainty. But can you believe that our little Lucas is already 1.5 pounds and over a foot long? In the last two weeks, he has gotten a lot more active and likes kicking my cervix- something that is quite awkward while I'm sitting or at work trying to focus. :P Another couple things they don't tell you about pregnancy: the peeing any time you sneeze, cough, or even laugh too hard. Oh, and the discharge. Groan, we won't go any further on that topic. :| It's shocking how out of breath I get now when I walk too long or up a couple flight of stairs, and how, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to bend over very well. Kevin has been having to help me up if I sit down on the floor, in fact! And within the last week, my lower back pain has gotten horrible. I can barely get through my 8-hour work day without being in total agony... and that's after walking around/stretching every 30 minutes or so!

I have to say, I was not ready for what my body was going to go through while pregnant. I wish I could say that it is all sunshine and rainbows, but of course, pregnancy is hard work! I try not to let it overwhelm me too often, but even a few days ago, I totally broke down. I especially was not anticipating how much bigger all of my body parts (arms, legs, breasts, butt) would get, and how out of control and uncomfortable I would start feeling. My thought was that it would be "easy" to gain the weight and eat healthily, since I am growing a little human life. Yes, I have gained the weight and still eat (a lot!), but it is NOT easy. It takes a personal choice to be obedient to God and to take care of my growing son. I have seen, a few times now, how restriction can truly cause huge issues and even death to a growing baby. But man, I cannot help but keep thinking about how I am going to lose this weight after Lucas is born!!! I know it's possible, but it's going to take totally giving myself to the Lord and dedicating myself to my child to keep from going back to the enemy's sly tricks (anorexia nervosa, compulsive exercise, etc).

On top of that, there is an "optional" test that (nearly) all moms are prescribed by their doctors between 24-28 weeks. That test is the glucose test for gestational diabetes. This test includes drinking 50g of pure sugar water (something I was TERRIFIED of doing), waiting for an hour, and then coming back to the lab for them to extract 4 vials of blood. Technically, I could have refused this test, and satan was having a blast telling me how "oh, I'm very low-risk for gestational diabetes anyway, and there's absolutely no reason to drink my calories!" So, let's be clear: even though I have not had significant liquid calories (like, I've only had Crystal Light and low-calorie Gatorade when I was puking from hyperemesis) since I was 12 or 13 years old (except, of course, through a nasogastric feeding tube), I finally got up the courage to drink this crap (or maybe I just didn't want to have to explain to my OBGYN that I was too "scared" to drink a 300 calorie bottle of sugar to make sure my body is healthy while growing my baby). I still cried, and man, I spent the next hour praying and expressing my fear to others. But God got me through it, and as expected, He didn't give me anything I couldn't handle. ;) I'll find out the results at my next doctor's visit, at 28 weeks, I believe.

Anyway, I'll wrap this up- basically, pregnancy is beyond what I expected, how it has touched my heart as well as brought me closer to God. Maybe that's why, as always, God blessed me with this miracle who doctors told me would never happen. Thanks, Jesus- you always know how to teach me things the right ways. Well, duh! ;)

Here's the video from our 6-month ultrasound:

Dear God...

2011-05-22T09:15:00.003-07:00

This is something I found on the "Dashboard" of one of my Tumblr followers. I liked it so much that I wanted to share it with you all...

Dear God,

How creative You are. The ways You have binded my body together, the way my heart beats and my blood pumps. Its all so intricate, you didn’t have to put so much work into these skin and bones we reside in, and maybe that’s why I thirst to know more about it. Lord, help me not to take anything for granted. This reminds me of how fragile I really am, in all senses of the word, ready to snap at any moment. Ready to crumble in my weakness. But where I am weak, You are strong. Where I fall short You show me what You’ve done for me. When I stumble or become unsteady, You are there to catch me and hold me. How I fit in the palm of Your hand. Its all so beautiful, and I am awestruck. You don’t need me God, You want me, and I desperately need you, but sometimes I act as if I don’t want You. What a fickle, silly girl I am. Naïve in some ways and too mature in others, but I don’t care. The scars are only a reminder of all I could have been. The memories are only a motivator to make the future better. I will desperately cling to You, You are all I have, and that’s the best feeling. You are the ultimate artist, and I am Your canvas. Paint on.

Amen.

Week 22.

2011-05-07T12:11:00.010-07:00

Well, here comes another blog and another week. :) Unfortunately... I am SICK with the flu. Three of my co-workers have been sick (2 of them had to go to the ER, and all of them are on some heavy-duty medications /antibiotics), but because I am pregnant, no antibiotics for me! I have to stick to Benedryl and Tylenol! Ack. :( So, I was out from work for 2 days, and then went back to the grind on Friday. I barely made it through the day. Today, I've just been coughing non-stop. :\

Baby Lucas is kicking and moving around so much! I'm starting to get more used to being uncomfortable while sleeping, not to mention the extra baggage I'm carrying (though I am still really not okay with how little physical fitness I'm getting in and the extra pounds I'm putting on now due to being exhausted after 40 hours of work per week). On Wednesday, Lucas' crib /changer combo was delivered- and today (Saturday), Kevin put it together! How awesome! I just can't wait to get the bedding, the mattress, and all the rest of the furniture... still so much to do. And on that note, I have a few doulas in mind, but still have yet to decide! :P

Weeks 20 and 21.

2011-04-29T20:20:00.008-07:00

Yep, that's right- another two-fer-one blog! :D So what've we (all three of us, that is!) been up to? Let's get this blog started!

Week 20:
This week started off pretty boring, to be honest. I just went to work as usual... but on FRIDAY (22 April), I turned 25 years old, and kicked off my "babymoon" (like a honeymoon, except to celebrate together before the baby comes) vacation in Solvang! We checked into our Holiday Inn Express hotel around 330 PM, and found out that our room had been UPGRADED! Woohoo! Our room was actually two-stories- the bed and a flat-screen television on the top/third floor and a couch, microwave, coffee maker, fridge, bathroom, and another flat-screen television on the bottom/second floor. It was wild. And oh, did I mention that we had a balcony that overlooked the beautiful Hans Christian Andersen Park?! Yeah, talk about awesome... We had dinner at Angelica Cafe, and then spent the rest of the evening walking around. It's totally a little tourist town. ;)

On Saturday, we woke up leisurely, and I went downstairs for breakfast that the hotel provided in their dining room. After Kevin enjoyed his oatmeal and mocha that I brought to him in bed (yes, spoiled!), we got ready for the day and headed out for the "tourist experience." Solvang ("sunny fields" in Danish) is a cute little town that was founded by 3 Danish-Americans who wanted to find a place in California where they could settle and their heritage could thrive. So now, it's known as "the Danish capital of America." It truly is quite lovely, with lots of greenery, Danish architecture, and clean air (something that is very much lacking in Bakersfield!). For lunch, we stopped at Solvang Restaurant, where we also had aebleskivers- Danish pancakes shaped into balls and topped with raspberry jam and powdered sugar. Whoa. We also stopped at the Santa Ines mission, another peaceful destination... and then, there it was: Solvang Bakery! Why is this significant? Well, I had been searching and searching for the perfect piece of birthday cake to celebrate my 25th, because I haven't had a piece of my own birthday cake in over a decade (yes, seriously)! And there it was: black forest cake. However, after dinner at Pea Soup Andersen's, there was no room for cake, and I had to save it for Sunday. BUT I WAS GOING TO HAVE MY BIRTHDAY CAKE, DANGIT! :D

On Sunday morning, at around 1 AM, I woke up to my baby moving a LOT... and I could feel him punching/ kicking my hand! I woke Kevin up and for about 30 minutes, he had his hand resting on my belly, waiting patiently for Lucas to move again. It never happened- just like allllll the baby advice sites said would happen. BOO! Later, when we actually woke up for the day, we went to Ostrich Land. Yes, Ostrich Land... where we got to watch poor, naive tourists feed violently hungry, ferocious ostriches and emus. Kevin and I got a serious kick out of it. As he put it: "Oh dang, yes, that was worth the 8$ admission fee!" Haha. In the late evening, we drove over to the Chumash Casino- no, not to gamble, but to get a "maternity massage"! Ahhhhhhh, it was really great, and quite relaxing. Definitely more "gentle" than my sports massages, that's for sure. Afterward, we STUFFED ourselves at SJ Spurs- kind of a bad idea, since I've been getting wicked reflux. And oh, somewhere in there... I HAD MY FRIGGIN' BIRTHDAY CAKE (and Kevin helped, of course)! :D

Sadly, on Monday, the 25 April, we had to pack up and leave our little oasis. We got home after another 3-hour drive, did some laundry, cleaned up after our bad cats, and relaxed before we had to go back to the grind the next day.

If you want, check out the rest of our Solvang vacation photos here!

Week 21:
The beginning of this gestational week (Tuesday 26 April), it was back to the same ol', same ol'... The biggest symptoms I've been noticing are: exhaustion (yes, still!), more huffing and puffing (short of breath easily), a lot more kicking (especially around mealtimes that I've seemed to have established- 7 AM, noon, 5-6ish), psycho maternal instinct nightmares/dreams, having to pee a lot, itchy skin (so I've been using a lot of the Palmer's body lotion), and sitting at work for hours at a time is getting more and more uncomfortable. My feet swelled a little while at work, and my co-worker, seeing me walking a little funny, said that I was "waddling already." :| Not to mention, the baby bump comments are coming from left and right, and some people have already rubbed my belly (I am not a Buddha, people)! Oh well, people have said and done worse to me when was "death-orexic" (as my husband put it), and I'm just glad my baby is healthy. I've been more and more tempted to find out what my weight is (since I know for certain that my thighs, butt, and arms have gained significantly), but like Kevin agreed, I just don't need to know right now. Period. However, Kevin did just put together my fantastic new LifeSpan TR 1200i folding treadmill that I purchased off Amazon! :D Can't wait to really put it to use!

Also, now that I am on the "downhill" of my pregnancy (20 weeks being the general "halfway point"), I've started really thinking about our birth plan. That is to say, how I want to go through delivering our baby. Like many moms, I would love to have a completely natural birth. However, I am just not sure how it will go, pain-wise... not to mention any sort of emergencies that might happen to come up. I will definitely be delivering in a hospital, but it's been so helpful to check out peaceful birthing sites that have stories about women who have had successful natural births.

If you've given birth naturally, and you just so happen to be reading this blog, would you tell me about your experiences? :)

Weeks 18 and 19.

2011-04-17T19:42:00.008-07:00

Argh! I just haven't felt like blogging lately, to be honest. But let's see... I've been having the same sort of symptoms like exhaustion, insomnia, and cramps when I sneeze, cough, or stretch (and sometimes when I just turn the wrong way).

During week 18, Kevin and I went to a huge consignment sale called "Little Feet Repeats"! While there, we checked out all sorts of gently/never used furniture, bags, clothes, and toys. We ended up getting six receiving blankets, a swaddling outfit, two little outfits, a diaper backpack (in lieu of a diaper bag), and a few maternity outfits for myself. :)

As I write, I am 19 weeks, 5 days pregnant... and things are not easy. I will be honest, I am having personal difficulties with not allowing my fears overwhelm me. Will I be a good mom? Will I ever be able to run again? Will I ever be considered "thin" again? What if (UGH, I hate those two words!) I fall victim to the enemy again? Will my husband and I stay close after he is born? I mean, I know these things ultimately don't matter if I can just give birth to a healthy little boy, but I guess it's that perfectionist in me that God is still working on changing that keeps popping up.

At any rate, we had our fourth ultrasound on Wednesday... and our baby boy is DEFINITELY a little boy. :) So, on that note, we have finally determined his precious name- Lucas Dean. <3 Dean is a middle name that has been passed down through several generations in Kevin's family, and Lucas is just a lovely name and has a great meaning. I hope you like the name too, but if you don't... that's just too bad! ;P

Week 17.

2011-04-02T10:24:00.011-07:00

My belly is getting BIG. And with that comes unsure comments and stares from people. It is strange to think that in basically 2.5 weeks, I'll be halfway through the pregnancy. And on that note, my emotions are rearing their ugly head(s). FEAR is taking me over- I know I've already gained a considerable amount of weight, and it doesn't help that I have so little energy and motivation to run, let alone walk.

This is where I am thankful for the Bible (though, I admit, I've had my meltdowns, for sure, which Kevin can attest to)! What does the Word say about fear? "There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love." (1 John 4:18, MSG)

Symptoms this week? They include: abdominal pain (round ligament pain/cramps), baaaad constipation, exhaustion, crabbiness and mood swings, bloating, having to pee twice as much, insomnia and pressure. I'm starting to feel the baby pretty clearly now. When I sit down, it's almost like he drops down. Bizarre feeling. Kevin likes to talk to my belly, even though I'm pretty sure the baby can't hear yet. :P He loves listening to his son swishing around in there too. Haha.

Ooo, so... we also got a CAT CAGE! How does this have to do with my pregnancy? Well, we realised that we needed to start locking the cats out of our bedroom at night, to get them used to when the baby comes- we don't exactly want the baby to get smothered in his bassinet by our too-affectionate cats. :\ But when we would close our bedroom door to keep them out, we would get NO sleep, as they would start loudly crying, meowing, and scratching at the door... :( So, we decided we needed to get a nice cat cage for them to sleep (or harass each other) in at night. They don't like it, but NOW WE CAN ACTUALLY SLEEP WITH THE BEDROOM DOOR CLOSED! :D

PS: We are registered at Amazon.com, Target, and Babies R Us!

Week 16.

2011-03-28T16:43:00.006-07:00

This post is... surprise, surprise... LATE! I am technically now 16 weeks, 6 days, and will be 17 weeks tomorrow! But I just didn't feel like taking a photo. I ended up taking these ones because my hubby insisted, last night after dinner (so the bump is both food baby and Baby boy)! :D I've been craving spicy foods, of all things! Is Baby Boy already a little firecracker? I think so! :)

The last week I've been just exhausted, mentally and physically. I am so grateful to Jesus for healing my body and giving me this child, and yet, I didn't expect things would be so tough! The enemy has come against me so much lately, especially as my work-outs have come to a near halt. However, I hold tight to my God, as He is so much bigger than all my problems. I love 1 Timothy 4:8 when I start feeling this way- "Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever."

This weekend, Kevin and I took all of the things we had cleared out of the office and what is now the baby's nursery to Goodwill, including my gigantic hoarded stash of old magasines (Runner's World, Psychology Today, Real Simple, etc). Not easy, but needed to be done. Then, Kevin decided we should try to find a white paint that will match the current wall colour, so that we could do some touch ups (especially in the nursery, since there's a big scuff). Well, we pick out a sample of "bone white" (which is what our customised house plans called for when we looked it up in our home owner's info)- yeah, THAT didn't work! It looked really brown in comparison to the white on the wall. So, fast forward: we tried two more colours (one was too blue, the other too yellow), and neither worked. ACK! We WILL figure this out, but for now... I think we're gonna end up doing the baby's room in blue. :\ Haha.

Ooo, we have our registries now, too! We are registered at Amazon.com, Target, and Babies R Us! WOOHOO! How very exciting! :) I have noticed that I have really started itching to clean and fix things up for the baby, and I'm guessing this is a slight "nesting instinct" kicking in. Ooooohhhh, boy! Haha.

But yep, as you can see, this is the real deal, folks. Baby Boy is already a chunker, and I already have quite the lump growing in my gut. I'm trusting in God that I'll be able to control and maintain my weight gain, but even while I'm dealing with this anxiety of weight gain, I'll just rest in Him. Thank you, Jesus, for saving me from anorexia nervosa and compulsive overexercising. I will never forget Your great name, and I refuse to go back. <3

Week 15.

2011-03-19T16:45:00.009-07:00

My entire pregnancy, I've really tried to stay active. But it's AMAZING how exhausting it is to spend 40 hours a week working, create/plan for a rapidly growing human being, stay mentally/emotionally and physically stable, and oh... try to fit in an hour of walking or a half-hour of treadmill running every other day? It's frustrating for a previous half-marathoner/ marathoner, I must say, especially when I think I may have a ever-worsening UTI that is even further complicating things. :\ But this morning (15 weeks, 4 days), Kevin and I made sure to go out for our morning walk to Starbucks and back (about 3.25 miles), even if it did wipe me out. The photos here were taken right after my shower, right before we left for our walk. :)

That being said, I am definitely starting to get bigger. Baby Boy is getting bigger, and while I thought he was still in my lower abdomen area, the ultrasound technician showed me that he is way up where my belly button is. That makes me feel better, as I thought I was just getting a nasty belly fat roll due to eating too much or improperly. :P

Speaking of the ultrasound technician, we went in for a special sizing and aging appointment, where we found out that we were spot on in estimating his age (down to the day)! The technician even switched on the 3D view, and we got to see him moving around in there. It was so cute to get a black and white 3D photo of him putting his hand over his mouth, almost like he was giggling! However, our baby at 15 weeks, 3 days definitely looked more like Predator (the alien) than a chubby little boy. Haha. Oh, and the technician confirmed: It's a boy! But she wasn't able to get a very good photos of his boy parts for us, since his umbilical cord was wrapped all around his legs.

Week 14.

2011-03-13T18:25:00.007-07:00

This will be a short update, since there's nothing really new to report on my end: I'm still sorta nauseous, had a headache for 3 days straight, and am trying to figure out my smell/taste "triggers." However, I have gone shopping for maternity clothes and am currently wearing my first pair of maternity jeans as I type- they are more comfortable than regular jeans, but I don't think the pregnancy fat will ever be considered "comfy." :P

The big news, however, is... during our regularly scheduled ultrasound (on Wednesday), we got quite the surprise! The doctor was scanning as usual, and not only has our Baby Bean become an actual BABY, but we are now 99% sure that IT'S A BOY! WOW! We were pretty surprised, just because we had had this "feeling" it was a girl... And boy, were those "wives tales" that my mother-in-law was so sure of soooo wrong! Haha!

And with no further ado, here are a few of the ultrasound photos:
This is a few from the bottom of our baby, as if he were sitting. You can see his butt, little legs/feet, and... his "you know what"!

This is a side profile view- his head is facing to the right, and his butt is up on the left.

This is the full-frontal view. His face is to the right (and you can even see his brain faintly, as well as eyes, nose, and mouth).

Week 13.

2011-03-08T07:48:00.005-08:00

So yes, I am ONCE AGAIN posting late. But this time, I have a good excuse... and the photos WERE taken on Saturday. Anyway, on Sunday (6 March) I could not stop vomiting. Now, I had been FINE for two weeks, pretty much, but I think I was just so excited to be in the second trimester that I was hoping the nausea/vomiting/exhaustion would go away as everyone predicted!

Well, at around 1130 PM on Saturday night, I came out and took one of my anti-vomiting pills because I was not feeling so hot. 30 minutes later, I was in the bathroom, puking hard. As soon as I would lie down, I would be back up, hovering over the toilet. After nearly passing out on the way back to bed, my husband insisted that we go to the hospital to at least get some fluids in me.

3.5 hours, an IV of 64+ ounces of saline and a vial of Zofran, a Doppler exam for the fetal heartbeat (down to 163 BPM now), and a couple barf bags later, the doctor discharged me with the typical instructions for hyperemesis gravidarum... but also a prescription to make sure I gain plenty of weight by eating McDonald's hamburgers and fries. Not even kidding. Haha. Okay, Doc, I think I'll start by attempting to just hold down water/Powerade. :P

I got home, and immediately threw up 3 times. I spent the rest of Sunday and Monday in bed, pretty much. On Monday, though, I saw my OBGYN's partner, who was able to write me a doctor's note for work for the week, thank goodness. On Wednesday, we should be seeing Baby Bean again via ultrasound! It's crazy to think that s/he is already the size of a lemon (about 3 1/2 inches and 1 1/2 ounces)! Can't wait to see him/her again, and even more, I can't wait to find whether Baby is a girl or boy!

Anyway, the rest of this week is just going to be spent taking care of myself and the little one as I am trying to catch up nutritionally. I just feel weak after only eating 500-750 calories in the last 2.5 days. :\

Week 12.

2011-02-28T16:21:00.013-08:00

Oops, another late blog! Technically, I am 12 weeks, 6 days along today... and tomorrow starts week 13 (second trimester)! At any rate, I am starting to notice my belly is definitely getting pudgier. Also, I've REALLY been enjoying Jelly Bellies- I think this really IS a "Baby Bean"! :D The nausea and exhaustion has been lessening slowly but surely (even though I DID end up throwing up so hard on Thursday that I went to the ER since I strained the muscle under my ribs)... Hmmm, I have had to buy new underpants, as my old ones were leaving dark lines in my belly and it was getting really uncomfortable to even get through my workday! Never thought I'd have to do that, and though it's hard to leave the past behind, I know this is the "sacrifice" I am willing to make for the beautiful child that is growing inside of me. I'm trying to stay as active as I can, though that typically just means power-walking for an hour 3 times a week, and a 30-45 minute walk/jog with my husband on Saturdays. I'm just tired after working 40 hours a week, and I really do want to be super careful, re: dehydration/nutrition. I literally have to drag myself out to the gym anymore, but I guess I just have to remember that regular exercise can help with the constipation (yikes, TMI?!) and later on, it'll help me with labour! (My biggest "want" is to be able to do a half-marathon in April or May.) I just cannot wait to go on our "babymoon" vacation! We're thinking about somewhere in Northern California for 3-4 days, just to have some grown-up romantic time to ourselves before Baby Bean comes.

Anyway, folks, that wraps it up for this week. At least... that's what I can remember to mention. :P

Diets DO NOT Work. Jesus Does!

2011-02-26T15:37:00.016-08:00

Are you contemplating dieting? Trying a "healthy" weight loss plan of 1200 calories a day with an hour of exercise, 7 days a week? (That's NOT healthy, by the way, despite what the media and magasine celebrity nutritionists might say.) Thinking that the only way that you can feel in control, feel like you are good at something is by restricting your intake or bingeing and purging? Do you feel like the only way you can fit in with your female friends or co-workers is by dieting and obsessing on what you eat... because that's just what "everyone else" seems to be doing?

Let me tell you what the Bible says about this:
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So do not be attracted by strange, new ideas. Your strength comes from God’s grace, not from rules about food, which don’t help those who follow them." (Hebrews 13:8-9, NLT)

In Hebrews, they are referring to bringing animal blood and meat sacrifices to a holy altar in The Tabernacle, from which no one could eat. They thought that by giving up the tastiest and best meats, their sins would be atoned for.

If you compare this to our society today, sometimes we see certain foods as "good" or "bad," "healthy" or "unhealthy." We might try every new fad diet that comes around or trust unreliable sources if they give us the "perfect" weight loss plan. We institute crazy rules as to what we can eat, because it makes us feel like we have self-control, like we're self-disciplined. We stop trusting our God-given bodies' intuitive eating, so we eat when we are bored, lonely, angry, etc... and then restrict or purge out of guilt for breaking our self-imposed rules. We give up our favourite foods for bland "lite" versions, just so we will feel like we're being "good." We even consider rich, delicious delicacies as "sinful"!

But here's the cool part- we don't have to do these sort of animal sacrifices... or the modern day equivalent of dieting and having black-and-white thinking when it comes to our eating habits. We don't have to give up the foods we enjoy, nor do we have to worry about whether or not what we are eating is "socially correct" or not. That's because Jesus sacrificed himself for us already! He gave up all earthly comforts so that we could enjoy our freedom and relationship with God!

"So also Jesus suffered and died outside the city gates to make his people holy by means of his own blood... Let us offer through Jesus a continual sacrifice of praise to God, proclaiming our allegiance to his name. And don’t forget to do good and to share with those in need. These are the sacrifices that please God." (Hebrews 13:12, 15)

So remember this:
Diets DO NOT work... but JESUS DOES!

What God Wants You to Know.

2011-02-25T08:41:00.004-08:00

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4:7)

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. (Isaiah 43:4)

For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7)

We are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:10)

Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels. Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out. (Ephesians 6:12-18)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Week 11.

2011-02-19T12:22:00.007-08:00

That's right- week 11 (and 4 days, as of today)! :D This morning, I went out for my first jog/walk in awhile... and guess what?! Kevin came with me! It's the first time he's been jogging since he was a kid! He says he's only doing it to be healthy for the baby. How sweet. :)

Anyway, I'm back at work again (started on Tuesday) after getting medical leave for 2 weeks. That morning sickness (more like "all-day sickness") was just draining me! I am doing better at work, and I keep reminding myself not to stress out too much. I've had to really start making sure I am not overeating, though, because there are always snacks, pizza, doughnuts (and more!) at work, it seems. I'm already getting hungrier, and so yeah, I'm just trying to rein it in (and yet still maintain a healthy diet). At any rate, right now, my favourite snack is string cheese! I never used to like it, but for some reason, it's the only dairy I can really enjoy without getting nauseous. :)

My co-workers have started to ask a little bit about Baby Bean, and one of them even told me she could see a difference in my tummy. Haha, that's kinda cute, but I will be honest, I have been really fighting the enemy's lies when it comes to how big my belly already is. I've just tried to stay focussed on my job, getting back to running/walking, loving my husband (my BFF! <3), and staying away from negative or difficult situations (especially people who like giving unhealthy or irritating advice on a regular advice). It's really hard for me to hear about all my running buddies doing their long runs in preparation for the LA marathon in March... while I can barely crank out 20-30 minutes of non-stop running. But I know I just have to be gentle with myself (and Baby)! It's just tough, all the same...

(I've really enjoyed using Tumblr to "collect" positive, spiritual, and inspirational message/photos. I follow a lot of young and on-fire-for-God Christians, so it is a real pick-me-up... It's also a good place to vent. Y'all should check it out!)

Week 10.

2011-02-14T08:59:00.007-08:00

Yes, it IS week 10. Even though Baby was supposedly measuring a week "behind" according to the transvaginal ultrasound a couple weeks ago, the estimated due date (EDD) hasn't changed. So YES, I can still consider myself 10 weeks preggers.

I have noticed that my clothes are definitely tighter around my abdomen, which is scary, but my hubby keeps reminding me over and over: "You are not fat; you are pregnant!" My nausea and vomiting are still very alive and well, though I admit, I have a bit more energy (though I'm still going to bed super early). I have to be honest, it's hard seeing all my running buddies training daily for the LA marathon in March. I miss our long runs together. :(

I've mostly been eating a lot of carbs, and sadly, when I eat anything greasy or lots of dairy (typically cheese), my stomach goes crazy! Anyway, I can't get enough of toast, crackers, fruit, and weirdly enough... MEAT?! For the first time in YEARS (I mean, like, a decade and a half), I had a couple sausage links with syrup, and I was in heaven... that is, until my stomach flipped, and I ended up hardcore vomiting in the restaurant bathroom. Sad times. :( But man, sausage?!

We saw Dr Hoang again on Thursday, and for the first time, we were able to see the Baby and hear the heartbeat (175 beats per minute!) via Doppler (external) ultrasound. Wow, so much growth already! I finally talked to Dr Hoang about the "getting weighed" issue, and he said that he just wants to make sure that I do not lose too much weight (since I've been throwing up, and plus, my history)- however, because he understands the issues from my past (and how much I HATE stepping on the scale, backwards or not), he said he will just have me weighed every couple months. PHEW! Okay, so yeah, I'm starting to like him now that I've seen him a few times. :)

His Glory Appears.

2011-02-13T15:32:00.004-08:00

While I was at Mercy Ministries, we had praise and worship every morning for about 45 minutes. At first, I will be honest: I used this time to jump up and down and dance around and sway back and forth and, well… burn as many calories as I could. The Lord could not “maketh me lie down,” so to speak. No, I was completely controlled by fear, compulsive exercising, and anorexia nervosa.

After being there 30 days, I was told by the programme director that if I would not stop the excessive movement, I would be on probation, and basically, would not be allowed to do anything (including receive mail and phone calls). Harsh, right? But sometimes, this is what we need.

I went into praise and worship the next morning with a defiant and fearful heart. I knew those staff members would be watching me. I was angry and sad and terrified at the same time, and yet, I wanted to just play “perfect patient” (as I had in other “treatment centres”)… Except this wasn’t a treatment centre, and this wasn’t somewhere for being coddled. This is where God would reach my heart, and I would stop relying so much on people, and instead reach for my Abba Father for help.

I had heard this song (“His Glory Appears” by Hillsong) many times- I think we only had three DVDs for praise and worship (the Sacramento home I was at was literally a week old when I came in), which included Jesus Culture, Hillsong, and Brian Johnson. Yeah, we had The Katinas too, but no one except for me wanted to listen to them. Haha. <3

Anyway, this song was what brought me to my knees. It’s what made me say: “God make me Yours. Change my heart. Make me yearn for You, not for all these life-destroying issues.” I think it was the first time I stopped (even if just for these short few minutes) checking for the bones of my 85-pound body and moaning about all the physical consequences of starvation, and started kneading the carpeted floor desparately for His Strength and crying big crocodile tears for His healing.

“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.”
(Romans 8:26, NLT)

Week 9... erm, nope, back to Week 8!

2011-02-05T09:15:00.009-08:00

I went in to see Dr Hoang (my OBGYN) on Tuesday of this last week- which should have marked exactly 9 weeks. I just wanted to get some medication for this painful nausea and vomiting, and maybe a a doctor's note to get some time off work.

But instead, Dr Hoang walked into the office and announced that I would be getting pap smear, my first ultrasound, and oh yes, some nausea medication and doctor's note. :P Woohoo! So long story made short- WE GOT TO SEE OUR BABY for the very first time! :D But during the ultrasound, he measured the crown-to-rump length of our baby... and I am only 8 weeks along instead of the 9 weeks I had thought based on my last period. Guess my ovulation was still weird/irregular, despite the hormones I took for a couple months beforehand. :\

Kevin and I were both so excited, and now it's just that much more "real"! We also got to finally hear the fast little heartbeat; as Dr Hoang said: "Sounds like a Junior All-Star!" Awww... it did kinda look/sound like our baby was already running a marathon in there!

What Love Really Means, by JJ Heller.

2011-01-31T20:04:00.005-08:00

Here is a song (and music video) called "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller- it really touched me in a deep sense that I cannot truly describe. Isn't it amazing to know that, when everyone else seems to be against us, God will ALWAYS love us like his precious little children? <3 Just check out Romans 8:31-39, for example!

“He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I…”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew.”

Week 8.

2011-01-29T10:01:00.006-08:00

Well, this week has been a crazy one. First of all, OMG... the pregnancy boobs have gotten infinitely worse. I know, I know- I'm sure they will get even more painful and swollen as I progress in the pregnancy and start nursing after Baby Bean arrives. But I finally just had to get a "sleeping" maternity bra because the pain was waking me up at night! Whoa!

Secondly, I have been feeling SO SO SO nauseous, and throw up a couple times a day.
This has led to some issues at work. :\ I finally got a "verbal warning" for leaving early from work too many times. It's frustrating because, even though I'm just processing discharge charts, I can't focus on my work when I'm nauseous, exhausted, bloated, throwing up, and unfocussed (I am off my medication, so it's doubly hard).

So, on that note, I just don't want the stress of my work environment to effect my pregnancy, so I am seeing my general doctor on Monday to talk to her about getting on either pregnancy disability leave or intermittent leave. It's frustrating, but I want to enjoy my first (and probably only) pregnancy!

Anyway, I have no longer been craving eggs or breakfast foods; in fact, thinking of eating an omelette makes my stomach flop. Mostly, I've been eating starchy foods like bread because they are pretty bland- not too sweet or salty. I look forward to actually "showing" and not just being bloated! :P

Week 7.

2011-01-22T11:28:00.008-08:00

This week has been tough, but I'm sure it's nothing like what I'll be dealing with when I'm all big and round. So, this week's symptoms are the same as last week, just more exaggerated. I am nauseous, tired (though it's getting a little better because I'm getting used to it), edgy and emotional, bloated, and constipated. :P Yesterday was the first time I threw up from the "morning sickness"- and at work, too. :( But I haven't thrown up before or since.

I am also getting quite sick of all the advice and opinions from well-meaning people. Not to mention, this week, I've dealt with a couple of women -recent mothers- who act like they are know-it-alls when it comes to being pregnant and raising children. It's frustrating and difficult (because I have very few pregnant or recent-mommy friends), but I've decided to cut those kinds of people out of my life, because I don't need any reason to doubt myself.

Speaking of doubt, I have been starting to get a lot more worried and scared about when Baby actually comes, especially when it comes to going back to work. Not only that, but I've been having some crazy dreams- one was about breastfeeding a little boy, and then the next night, I had one about breastfeeding a little girl. I wish I already knew what we were having! I can't wait to get started on the nursery (once known as "the guest room." :)

Also, did I mention that I have been craving breakfast foods and... bread pudding?!

Anyway, that's all I can think of for now. Maybe I'll add some more "preggers updates" later.

13.1 Los Angeles Half-Marathon... with The Bean!

2011-01-22T10:59:00.006-08:00

On Saturday afternoon (15 January), I drove with Carolyn 2.5 hours down south to Santa Monica. Of course, being LA, the traffic was unbearable (but I must say, I love the gas mileage of my hybrid!). We picked up our bibs at Top to Top, a sports apparel shop. Then we headed off to our neat art deco hotel called the Cadillac Hotel. Trying to get parked, on the other hand, was an irritation. Our hotel was RIGHT on the boardwalk, so we walked along it and stopped at the FigTree Cafe to have dinner. What did I have? AN OMELETTE. I swear, this pregnancy is making me crave breakfast foods!

On Sunday morning (16 January), we woke up at 545 AM. Amazingly, the starting line was just downstairs and one block over, so we got packed and checked out with plenty of time to spare! The start was at 713 AM, so we started a very slow run with 5 min run/1 min walk intervals. That didn't last long because Carolyn mistakenly ate an entire package of Clif Blocks right before we started, and she ended up very nauseous within a mile. So we walked this, pretty much.

Let me tell you, this was the SLOWEST event I've ever done, but I am glad I took my time- especially since I will be at 7 weeks pregnant on Tuesday. :D Where else can you walk in the middle of the road in Santa Monica and Venice Beach? Where else can you hear random comments yelled at you from crazy homeless people? ("Would you be running faster if I was chasing you with a chainsaw?!") Where else can you find medical marijuana shops on the sidelines? Where else do you see fire-dancing bellydancers shaking it for you? Where else can you get a sunburned face by 8 AM in January? :D

After the event, we immediately walked another mile or so to my car, and we immediately drove the 2.5 hours home. On the way home, we stopped for lunch at Denny's and we both got... what else? OMELETTES! :D

Now, I'm home, and just exhausted. And even though my last half-marathon was a full 1 hour and 4 minutes faster (3:17:02 in comparison to 2:13 last time), I needed to take my time (especially since I'm in the first trimester) and I enjoyed the company, the sun, and the people-watching. I don't feel so bad, either, because Deena Kastor ran a half-marathon in her first trimester and clocked a 3:09... and she's an Olympic marathon record holder!

My photos from the weekend located here.

Week 6.

2011-01-15T07:47:00.006-08:00

Technically, I'm making this post at 6 weeks, 4 days. By now, the HCG is coursing through my veins, as was evidenced by my taking ANOTHER home pregnancy test. Yes, seriously. On Tuesday (that's five days ago), I had my first prenatal appointment with Dr Hoang. Despite telling the receptionist, the medical assistant, and writing down the start of my last menstrual period, Dr Hoang STILL misunderstood, and thought that I had gotten my positive home pregnancy test on the 30 November. Uhm, no, Doc, don't you remember me being on the hormones you prescribed during that time? So yeah, he had splatted the ultrasound gel on my gut, and was pushing around, and of course, could find no heart beat. Argh. So, I got my hopes all up, and it just wasn't a very exciting appointment, to be honest. He just gave us the same ol' general info, prescribed me a non-generic prenatal (so I have to go back and get another prescription that my insurance will actually COVER!), and that's that.

He also told me that I should gain 20-25 pounds, though "probably 20 pounds since you're petite." Now, I don't know about all you other moms, but I know that the American Pregnancy Association recommends a weight gain of 25-35 pounds for women who fall into the healthy weight category! This bugged me a little, considering I am sensitive about how much I'm going to gain, and I don't want to feel worried if I gain more than a ridiculously low 20 pounds. (I'm 5'3", guys, and definitely in the low-mid healthy range!)

At any rate, Kevin and I were disappointed by his rather non-compassionate demeanor- but he was HIGHLY recommended by several people, so we are going to give him another chance. We see him again at week 10, in which we'll actually get an ultrasound, I believe.

One thing he did do was give me clearance for running. WOOHOO! Everyone kept telling me that if I "run too much you'll miscarry." This is something I know, people, and rubbing it in my face just makes me more anxious, thank you very much. But as you have seen in my blog below, I went running for the first time while pregnant yesterday. Exciting! I actually am starting to have a little more energy, which is awesome, considering I WAS coming home on weekdays and falling face-first into my bed, still dressed in my work clothes.

Anyway, today Carolyn and I are heading down to LA to do the 13.1 half-marathon down there on Sunday. I promised my husband I would walk the entire thing... except for when I see photographers (and then I'll sprint- haha!)... ;)

First Run with The Bean!

2011-01-14T09:08:00.002-08:00

So, back on the treadmill, because I have today off from work. This is the first time I've run since getting pregnant- at least knowingly (since I think I was pregnant on Christmas Eve, but I don't think that counts)!

But man, let me be honest and say... pregnancy boobs are like period boobs x10! So yeah, having them flopping around wasn't too pretty. Nor was the fact that my knee joints are looser. But at least I had energy this morning to do it! But I didn't push it, even cutting it off early because I was feeling twinges of pain. Turns out those "twinges" was just gas. Hahaha.

Afterwards, I did some uncustomary stretching. :)

Week 5.

2011-01-08T16:23:00.006-08:00

So... awesome news! Four days ago, I took the 7th home pregnancy test in 7 days- I just "felt" something, like I knew I was pregnant. Plus, I had been tired and unmotivated with my running and had pounding headaches (which I haven't had since I was a teenager).

I looked down, and there was a faint "positive" line on my relatively cheap pregnancy test. I was shocked, and had to confirm it with my hubby. He threw on his jacket, and despite being in his pyjamas, we went to the drug store where I bought one of the good expensive pregnancy tests.

Here's what we saw:

I went to the doctor the next day, who confirmed it excitedly! :) We are pregnant, everybody! We have been trying for a year, and I never thought it would be possible, what with my past and everything! We took our first "baby belly" photos this morning, and I am at 5.5 weeks pregnant. :)

Obviously, there is no real change except some bloating and "your uterus is expanding," says my hubby. I am praying this miracle will stick, though it's still really surreal.

On another note: Next Sunday is my first half-marathon of the year. Can't wait- I will not be pushing myself as hard as I thought I would. But at least I did it! :)

Two Cities Eye-Q Half-Marathon 2010!

2010-12-29T21:08:00.014-08:00

This is a late post, and I didn't do a race recap for it. The Fitness and Health Expo for the event took place on 6 November, and the run was on 7 November. The most exciting aspect was that my hubby came with me! :) It was his first time seeing me run! Anyway, I did make a PR (personal record) on this one! I finished 13.1 miles in 2:13:10- WOOHOO! (Side note- I didn't have to wear my Team in Training jersey, but I thought it would be a great thing to wear just to promote awareness of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.)

Here are a few of the rad photos from the run:

To see more photos, check it out here: Two Cities Eye-Q Half-Marathon!

My next event is the 13.1 LA Half-Marathon on 16 January 2011! My goal is to do at least one half-marathon per month. That is, if something very special doesn't get in the way. And I hope it does; It's been a year of trying... and nothing. But yesterday, Kevin was sent to the lab. We'll cross out the possibility of him having any issues before coming back to me. :\

---

"Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life." (Romans 8:5-6, MSG)

Nike Women's Marathon 2010!

2010-10-20T17:49:00.009-07:00

I did it. I finished. I came, saw, and conquered.

16 October: Kevin dropped me off at Double Tree Inn at 550 AM. Everything was packed, everything was ready to go, and the team was excited. :) We piled into the bus, and headed to Visalia, where we picked up the rest of the Central California team. After a quick stop there, we kept going until we reached Patterson and had lunch. Then... next stop: SAN FRANCISCO! As we went over the Bay Bridge, the excitement was growing, until we finally stopped in front of the Hilton in the Civic Centre/Tenderloin district, where we had to contend with hardcore, extremely LOUD picketers. :| Fabbbbulous. Haha. After checking in with our assigned roommates (I stayed with Marti), we all headed to get our bibs/packets in Union Square. There were so many people that the line wrapped around the sidewalk, and local pedestrians seemed to be pretty annoyed. I think the highlight was getting to take a photo with the Haribo mascot though. Haha. Bib number: 18,163. Holy wow. Yeah, so I think there was actually MORE than the predicted 20,000 runners, too, because I saw some people with bib numbers that were in the 22,000 range... That night, we walked about 1.5 miles total in the cold wind to the Inspirational Dinner, where I nearly lost it because of the speaker who told her story of life after cancer took one of her six sisters Nancy. The other five sisters formed (with the speaker) Team Nancy in order to do Team in Training, and raised a ridiculous amount of money for the cause. It was just AWESOME. By the time we got back to our hotel room though, I was ready to go to bed. I set everything up so it'd be ready for tomorrow morning, and then hit the hay.

17 October: RACE DAY! There was a 30-50% chance of rain prediction and the temperature was going to be in the mid-upper 50s. I didn't think it'd be SO bad, though. We had to get up at 5 AM, in order to be down in the lobby at 545 AM to check any "post-run" clothes bags and be at the start line by 630-645 AM. There were SOOOO many people, and it was getting pretty claustrophobic... and then FINALLY, the mass of people started moving, slowly but surely. I was surprised that it only took me about 12 minutes to get to the start line, and when I did, I TOOK OFF. Talk about a beautiful course... seriously. I remember going by Pier 1. And past several landmarks that hearkened back to childhood Girl Scout field trips. I just felt a few rain drops, and smiled- phew, guess it would just be a light sprinkle like they had said on the Weather Channel, I thought. I was all smiles, despite the insane hills that I had NOT trained for or expected (I just thought there would be a few). I just kept on going until about mile 15. By that time, the rain was pouring down, my fingers had swollen to the point where I could not bend my fingers, and I was completely water-logged. Not only that, but the hills were seriously UNENDING... at least they were for this girl, who only incline trained two times in the last six months. :\ The rain and wind made it ice-cold, and when a San Francisco Team in Training coach noticed me, she stopped and asked if I was okay. In fact, I was not okay because I was having trouble breathing and was seeing grey. I was shaking and shivering so violently that I couldn't keep doing run/walk intervals, so I started power-walking at around mile 18. The coach poured a packet of salt onto the top of my hand, which I licked off, and then fished around in her bag that she had been carrying and handed me her jacket (which I could just barely move enough to get on). How cool of her to let me borrow it though, eh? Despite wanting to totally give up, and despite nearly passing out, I kept going as the rain (with sweat mixed in) poured down my face and into my eyes. I HAD to do this. I wanted to finish- I trained hard for this, even if I hadn't expected this weather or the massive hills. As I hit about mile 23, Katie and Elisa came up behind me, calling my name. It gave me that mental positivity boost that I needed so badly, as despite race-walking at a 13:30 pace, I was near tears from the pain and exhaustion and unbearable cold. To my surprise, they told me that they only knew of one other person from our team in front of me (who happened to be a seasoned ultra-marathoner and nearly reached elite status in her youth); I had been SURE that I would be the last full marathoner to cross the finish line, and everyone else would be back at the hotel already, celebrating their victory. Katie started walking with me around mile 24, but Elisa got this SURGE of adrenaline and ran the rest of the way to the end, where she finished 11 minutes before Katie and me- we crossed the finish line at 5 hours 45 minutes and 54 seconds. I shockingly ranked 4333rd out of 20,000+ runners, according to results site! I was bummed that I didn't hit my goal of 5 hours or less, but dang, considering the circumstances... I was happy just to finish. But yeah, the finish was not the best, considering the rain was still pouring down, and I was SO SO SO cold. I got my little blue Tiffany & Co raindrop-stained box, containing the NWM 2010 finisher's necklace from a drenched firefighter in a tuxedo, got the awesome finishing goody bag, and headed over to check in with the Team in Training folks. They handed me that "26.2" pin, and I realised just how big of an accomplishment it really was. I mean, 26 miles in a car takes you like... 30 minutes. That's like 1/3 of the way to LA from my house. DANG. I headed to get my checked clothes bag and, too cold to even change in one of the porta-potties, I headed to get on the shuttle back to the hotel. Seriously? It took forever to walk to that shuttle! Wish it had been closer, especially since everyone was drenched and so sore. We even had to walk up stairs and then up an inclined sidewalk! :| It took us around 30-45 minutes to get back to the hotel room on the shuttle, and as soon as I got back in the room, I hopped in that shower right away. It's amazing how much a run can beat you up. I had even gotten a big gash on my left boob from chafing of my headphones, which I stuck in my bra to keep them from flopping around after taking them off. That night, despite being so sore, Shawna, Susan, and I walked the nearly 1 mile to the Victory Party (first stopping at Juicy Couture and Old Navy, of course!). I ate dinner (ew, seriously? All they had was fried food- SERIOUSLY!), but afterwards, I was so ready to crash... so despite the fact that they were gonna dance and have entertainment, I walked back to the hotel room and fell asleep around around 8 PM. Haha.

18 October: After packing my still-wet clothes and shoes, we headed back home at around 930 AM, and I was so glad when we finally got back into town about 6.5 hours later. My hubby came to pick me up, and walked me over to the car... but... it wasn't our car. I thought: "Oh great, a rental car... what happened to the car now?!" since my car has been breaking down a lot. My husband kinda grinned sheepishly and said: "Do you like your new car?" He had actually bought me my first new car ever (first automatic too)- a Ford Fusion Hybrid 2010! (o_o) Can you believe it?! It freaked me out at first, but we had talked about it for a long time... I was just so shocked and amazed that he had taken the initiative to get it this weekend as a "sort-of post-marathon surprise present"! :) And it's good for the environment, too, eh?! :D I was really REALLY glad to get a massage yesterday (19 October) too!

All in all, despite the painful marathon experience, it was worth it to finish. :) I didn't reach my goal, but oh well, there are other marathons I can do, eh? For now, I'm back to being nervous/excited for the Two Cities Eye-Q half-marathon in Fresno on 7 November! I hope my legs are ready!!! :D

+Official Brightroom Photography site!
+My photos of the weekend!

Must. Keep. Going.

2010-10-03T09:30:00.003-07:00

I didn't know where to start, honestly. I feel like I've been running, fulling blast and nonstop, for months now... both literally and physically. And my emotions are having a blast on unending rollercoaster rides. Argh! Even if I am sitting here on the couch, I know there are things to be done. The laundry is being washed and I should be getting ready for church in an hour.

On the work front: Still at the hospital, still in medical records, still full-time. It is tough to balance everything, and yet still go into work Monday through Friday, 8a-5p. But I do, and as much as I say this job is "not suited for me," I am so grateful for the fact that I can finally have fantastic insurance coverage (I was denied for 3.5 years due to previous issues) and amazing benefits, to boot. Since mid-April, I've been presented with so many social and personal challenges by my co-workers, whether intentionally or unconsciously. But yep, it's been just a couple weeks away from 6 months that I've been at the hospital. And fittingly, I got to check out the Kern County fair with my hubby because the hospital's employee picnic was held there on 28 September! :)

On the school side: California State University of Bakersfield (CSUB) is so extremely frustrating to deal with, and I was getting sick of all the hoops I was having to jump through. However, as mentioned before (I think?), I FINALLY finished all the paperwork... and am now officially enrolled in two individual study (no, not online courses) advanced French courses (Business French, French Civilisation). The reason for "individual study" is due to the fact that CSUB does not have a French major, and the only French classes they offer in their schedule/course manual are two beginning classes. So, how am I majoring in French? Well, I am doing the "special major in French" programme via the modern languages department, which means I will have to take 8 advanced courses on my own in order to finally finish up the French BA that I started at SJSU. Oh boy, oh boy. This quarter entails reading 10 business "cases," answering about 6-8 pages of questions about the reading material and translating about 4-5 paragraphs from French to English per case. That's just Business French. My other course is French Civilisation, and I haven't even gotten started; I will have to read two entire textbooks (yes, they're in French, of course) about French history (and civilisation, of course), then answer 2-4 questions per chapter, as well as come up with a research topic and write a 10-page term paper (not including the bibliography, and YES, it has to be in French) about it. Ahhh! I. CAN. DO. THIS. Right?

On the marathon training front: Our team is tapering now! After two previous long runs being absolutely AWFUL due to GI issues, I was really nervous about our 4-hour longest training run of the season on 25 September. I went to the doctor, and after she did multiple labs (four vials of blood taken!), 3 ultrasounds, and a urinalysis (I was supposed to do two stool cultures and an x-ray, too, but I just keep forgetting), I am just waiting to go over the results with her on 7 October. In the meantime, I've been "forced" by my body to start really scrutinising what I eat again. This is NOT easy for someone who just wants to pretend (I guess?) that food choices don't matter. After a decade and a half of restricting myself and putting a microscope up to everything I put in my mouth, I don't want to have to do this again! But I've also been taking Immodium and that helps too, and... gulp... I contacted my old dietitian and have an appointment with her on 13 October. I just hope she doesn't make comments on how different I look, because obviously, I look like an entirely different person after gaining 40 pounds! :\ But ANYWAY, I didn't mean to go off onto some rant, because the 4-hour run went GREAT. Yeah, it hurt soooo bad/good, but I did 20.1 miles in a total of 3 hours, 50 minutes (that's not including the long aid station break at mile 10), so it was pretty dang worth it. Afterward, most of the team gathered to toast our accomplishments in both fundraising (I'm only at around 70% though, and the rest is due in just a couple days! PLEASE... help?! Anything is appreciated!) for this amazing cause, as well as enduring this training season! The coaches brought some great grub and we all split a bottle of champagne (between us all, each of us only ended up with a small gulp)... and we got to meet a darling potential honoree for next season named Lucas! He's only 22 months, but is in remission from leukemia after being diagnosed at only 7 months old. Wow, I cannot imagine how difficult this would be as new parents, but that's why the Team in Training's fundraising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) is so important. (Man, running has really helped me learn and grow!) Not to mention, I've gained friends who appreciate an active lifestyle! Oddly enough, my massage therapist Gina Nathan is the mother of one of our current honorees Bryna, who was diagnosed with cancer at age 3- she's in 3rd or 4th grade now, thanks to the financial support of the LLS! :D

I feel like I've left a lot out, but I'm running out of time. I've just got 15 minutes to get ready for church! ;P Take care, everyone, and oh... I <3 comments/feedback! Share my blog with friends! Heehee. You don't mind if I leave you with these awesome verses, re-translated in the Message Bible, do you?

You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You're after one that's gold eternally. I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself (1 Corinthians 9:24-27).

Santa Rosa Half-Marathon Recap.

2010-09-04T14:00:00.010-07:00

Ack! It really has been too long since I've posted here. Why? Because I have been working 40 hours a week at the hospital still (did I mention that I was hired full-time and I now have medical benefits for the first time in 3.5 years?!) AND training hardcore for the Nike Women's Marathon with Team in Training. I am literally exhausted by the time I get home, and there is still the issue of the eating disorder. I haven't lost any weight, but heaven knows every ounce in my body wants to. My eating habits are not balanced, that's for sure, but as Kevin put it: "You really need this running thing, don't you?" It's no longer this obsessive thing like it was, really. Yes, I get kinda crazy sometimes, but I have found that I have grown tremendously through my teammates.

On that note, one of my friends/teammates Marti and I went up to Santa Rosa (about a five hour drive north), and ran in the half-marathon there. I wrote a recap about it at Daily Mile, so... allow me to share! :)

Marti and I drove up the day before (Saturday, 28 August), which took us around 5 hours. Of course, luck should have it that Marti's beloved Kohl's was just across the street from our hotel, so we decided to walk over there and we both ended up getting new sports tops (of course! What else?!)...

On race day (Sunday, 29 August), we woke up at 530 AM, and after Marti turned on the TV, she happened to stop on this HILARIOUS music video (on public access or something)... After nearly puking from laughing so hard, we hear this BANGBANGBANG on the wall, and we realise that overnight, we had gained a neighbour in the room next door! OOPS! Of course, that led to more stifled laughing. Could you imagine what that poor person was thinking, after a night of silence, and then suddenly waking up to two chicks laughing loudly and singing "It's the weekend and it's time to PARTY!" loudly to a music video?!

We got in the car around 615 AM, and started looking around to find the starting line. Ruh-roh, we really should have scoped out the area the night before. OOPS! But we made it with plenty of time, and in fact, it was super chilly (or maybe it's because we are both so used to the 112-degree heat here in Bakersfield!) and overcast... so we WANTED to get the show on the road.

The gun popped at around 705 AM, and we were off... like a herd of turtles (turd of hurdles?). I know that 528 people isn't that many (in comparison to, say, the Nike Women's Marathon that we are both training for), but it felt like we were walking forever before we hit the starting line. I'll admit, I went out too ferociously. I did not stick to intervals, I pushed myself, and I didn't want to walk. I wanted to beat the chick in front of me, I wanted to prove myself, I wanted to be the best. Also, I'll be honest: we were quite ridiculous, considering we were the only ones who had our external speaker/mini-boombox along with us. Ahaha, I have no doubt that there were more than just a few people who were annoyed as heck that they had to run to Lady Gaga remixes, Shiny Toy Guns, and cardio versions of Abba hits. :P

About halfway through, Marti couldn't take my shenanigans anymore and handed the boombox over to me, telling me that she needed to fuel up and walk a little. :\ Sorry, Marti... So I ran on ahead... For the next several miles, I just felt drained. About half of the course was trail (which I have never run on), so many of us had to dodge big stones (and with me, I already have floppy, loose ankles, so the rolling shoulders on the gravelly path did not help any). In fact, one woman ended up slipping and put a big gouge in her head. While passing, I looked down at her (and someone who had already stopped to help her) and asked if they needed water, because her head, arms, and legs were covered with blood! YIKES!

My legs went on auto-pilot, but in the last 2-3 miles, I could feel my courage slipping. It was cool, though, because the full marathoners, who did the 13.1 mile loop twice, were running by and a couple people reassured me that I was "almost there."

This was a milestone for me. Yes, I've run more than 13.1 miles. Yes, I've run at a faster pace. But this is the second (and definitely significantly largest) event I've ever done, with my first being that "Celebrate CSUB" 5K I posted about so long ago...

I ran a 10:23 per mile pace, finishing in 2 hours, 16 minutes, and 5 seconds. I finished 350 out of 528 half-marathoners. Not exactly the winner, but I see it as a victory! Just 4 days before, I thought I had a stress fracture because it was too painful to run (though it turned out to "just" be a bone contusion/mild tendinosis instead). 10 months ago, I weighed 35 pounds less and was near death after years of suffering from anorexia nervosa/obligatory exercise addiction. 8 years ago, I was told that I wasn't good enough for track after attempting only a semester in high school. 16 years ago, I was told that I had too much energy, was "too obnoxious," and began to restrict my food intake to dull my senses...

On that note, let me leave you with this:

I might not praise Him enough, but...
+God changes and restores the body, mind, heart, soul (Romans 12:1-2, 1 Peter 1:13, Psalm 51:10, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 4:16).
+He can turn back the clock and give you back that lost or stolen time (Joel 2:25).
+He is Jehovah Rapha, the Healing God (Matthew 8:17, James 5:14-15, 2 Sam. 22:1-7, Ezekiel 34:16).
+He will bring positive, healthy, honest, Godly friendships into your life, if you ask/let Him (Philippians 1:3-8; Proverbs 17:17,18:24, 27:5-6; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).
+He assures us that we are already victorious, we've already won, and we CAN keep running... all through JESUS CHRIST (1 John 2; 1 Timothy 4:8, 6:12; 2 Timothy 4:7-8; 1 Corinthians 9:24-25; Philippians 3:12; Hebrews 12:1-3, Isaiah 40:31)!

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And lastly, this was the porta-potty line before the event! HAHA!

The Santa Rosa Half/Full Marathon website
Race results
Photos from the event
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Book Review: "Gaining" by Aimee Liu.

2010-08-17T00:42:00.004-07:00

First and foremost- do not assume that the book jacket cover photography portrays the content inside. (What's the cliche I'm looking for? Oh, that's right... "Never judge a book by its cover!")

"Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders" by Aimee Liu is deep, and occasionally dark, unlike what the artwork might suggest. After two weeks of struggling to read 2/3 of this book, I had to return it to the library. It's definitely some very dense reading material, and is definitely geared more towards those who have struggled for years with disordered eating and eating disorders in their adolescence and young adulthood (only to find that, despite perhaps learning how to semi-function in their 20s-30s or older, they still exist with distorted views of themselves and/or their eating patterns).

I found myself truly relating to the novel research and studies Liu writes about, as well as the countless accounts of fellow eating disordered men and women. Two things really shocked me: 1) She interviewed Dr Michael Strober from the UCLA Eating Disorders program, who was my psychiatrist while in residential treatment at a different facility in the Southern California area (and who I found utterly impossible to relate to, as he came off as a total "know-it-all"), and 2) Liu tells the story of a man from Bakersfield, CA (where I live and grew up)! It was just neat to read that someone ELSE has the courage to talk about eating disorders in Kern County, of which Bakersfield is the "seat."

Yeah, it was a tough read. It was a mind-frying read. It was a slightly disappointing read (since she didn't really delve into how the people she interviewed who HAD actually been hospitalised/in treatment dealt with the "outside world"). But nevertheless, it was a psych buff's dream, so to speak.

"Siren Call."

2010-08-03T22:02:00.015-07:00

---> Snap. Awake. Eyes adjust.
Zoom in, focus, zoom out, focus.
Ears acute, hard swallow...
Dry, dairy, dribble.
Snap. Light on. Eyes burst into flame.
Squint, dare to open, see...
Peaceful sleep from co-conspirator.
Tempting calls of "real world,"
echoing rubber on cold asphalt,
spinning tires, speaking, squealing,
roaming down freeways,
free at four-fourty.

---> I miss that calling to roam (oh, yes, I do),
that unceasing appetite to search and seek,
but God gave me a clarity of mind
to see life as a spring to live instead of
a tedious leak.
So battle wages in the tempted heart,
against the lustful cries of early-rising worker bees.
And on the bulletin board of the enemy,
I am easily overcome...
but not with my Father
(who I call the "Great He")
by my side.

---> I close my eyes. Flip. Switch. Dark.
Mind grips prayers here, there, flitting phrases,
Rumbling of belly, waiting to be fed, and,
Pounding of a mending heart,
slowly
being
saited.
Praise Him. Honour Him. TRUST Him.

(Written at Mercy Ministries on 22 October 2009, 440 AM.)

Who am I?

2010-06-29T16:35:00.008-07:00

I am too ambitious, too loud, too competitive, too vocal, too much. I mess up... a lot. I have a tragic past, which one could assume would make my future look grim. I've hurt people. I've hurt myself. I get angry, sad, jealous, lonely... even a little crazy. I sleep too much or too little, eat too much or too little, give too much or too little, want too much or too little. I get addicted too quickly, and take too long to get "sober." I have definitely been what most could and would call a "screw-up."

But...
"We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you.

'How?' you ask. IN CHRIST. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God."

Pretty cool, eh? :)
♥
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Bible verse: 2 Corinthians 5:16-21, MSG

"A Calling": A Personalised Invitation from God to Work on His Agenda, Using my Talents to Make an Eternal Impact.

2010-06-20T08:08:00.015-07:00

It's been way too long since I last blogged. But there has just been way too much to do, and too little time to sit down and write a proper post. However, I keep feeling that it must be important to write about God's calling on my life. It's like, there has been that nagging feeling, saying that I truly need to ask myself, to dig deep to find what it is that I really WANT to do with myself. And not only that, but the same inspirational and motivational chapter of the Bible keeps coming up recently- 1 Samuel 17. (Please click the link to read this chapter, if you haven't already. Don't worry! It will open in a new window!)

We had already read about David in our Bible Study group, but then last week, Pastor James talked about God's unique call on every person's life... and mentioned that chapter in the Bible yet again. When you think of David's foe, who do you think of? Goliath, right? Well, that's just the obvious answer. But honestly, I think David's main opposition were the people that were supposed to be sticking up for him. "Okay," you say, "Who is this opposition, if it's not Goliath, then?"

1) David's dad Jesse. Yep, that's right- his dad. David was the youngest son and, unlike his brothers, tended to the family's flock of goats and sheep. His dad just couldn't see him being able to take down Goliath, let alone any powerful warrior.
2) His older brother Eliab. This guy was a trained warrior, and was not going to let the baby of the family "1-up" him by fighting Goliath. He didn't even want his brother hanging out with his warrior buddies!
3) King Saul. First of all, the king isn't even close to convinced into letting David fight Goliath, because David's just "too young and inexperienced." David counters his assumptions by explaining how he has protected his flock from predators, and though King Saul finally hesitantly allows David to take on Goliath, he unintentionally tries to burden David with heavy ill-fitted armour.

And of course, there is Goliath, who mocks and curses David out. What I like is that all throughout this chapter, despite people judging him by his age, his stature, his experience, and his lifestyle, David sticks to what he knows God has anointed him to do. As Pastor James said, "In order to pursue God's calling on your life, you have to pursue God's calling even when others try to put 'lids' on you." What's more is that David knew that he was only able to slay Goliath because that was God's will; it was God that gave him the strength to do it, despite the odds!

What does this have to do with my life? Well, here's the deal- I honestly feel like God has called me to do something ACTIVE for a living. I grew up with ADHD (constant, nonstop energy ball!), battled severe anorexia nervosa which entailed overexercising/restricting/extremely low body weight, was asked to do a Pilates demonstration video for my college instructor in college up north (so she could show it to future students as she was older and was unable to do the more challenging poses anymore), and as of this month, everything lined up for me to join Team in Training for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society! (Please click the link to visit my training page and support my efforts!) To me, although many people think they sound like horrible "signs" of God's calling on my life, I see these few examples as proof. And... I consider those people similar to the pre-Goliath-slaying obstacles that David encountered. Unlike David, though, a lot of times I begin to doubt my abilities, doubt myself, doubt that I have heard God's promptings properly. Even now, I feel awkward and pompous by proclaiming that "I think I might just know what God's call for my life is." David knew who he was, according to God, and was not swayed one little bit by his opposition. And that is why I find 1 Samuel 17 to be an extremely motivating, inspirational, and meaningful chapter at this moment...

So, on that note, I want to just come out and say it here, despite the fact that I know a lot of people will be doubtful and hesitant to accept my innermost urgings: I have been truly thinking about becoming ACE-certified in fitness, as a personal trainer and/or group instructor. I would just love it if any of you "following" my blog who are fitness gurus could give me any advice (especially ways to save money when it comes to getting the study materials!), opinions, etc!

In the meantime, I am going to continue to battle it out with my fears, and make the conscious and never-ending effort to do everything for the glory of God. Even as I am training for the Nike Women's Marathon on the 17 October with Team in Training (TNT), I am reminded of two things:

1) Paul's letter to Timothy, advising him that "physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come" (1 Timothy 4:8).
2) Two quotes from the based-on-a-true-story character named Eric Liddell ("Chariots of Fire"), who explains how God has fashioned his passion for running by saying, "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure... I want to compare faith to running in a race. It's hard. It requires concentration of will, energy of soul... I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within. Jesus said, 'Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you. If with all your hearts, you truly seek me, you shall ever surely find me.' If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, then that is how you run a straight race."

I forgot to mention that I was hired on at the hospital as an actual employee. I'll be doing the same job, but now I'll be "on the books," so to speak! I am only considered "per diem" (though I'll be working full-time!), though, so no benefits. That's okay! All in good time, just like the fitness certification. I'll keep you all updated on whether or not that door stays open, but I would love any advice on getting certified, all the same!

I'll leave you with a recent photo of two my of TNT teammates (I'm in the middle), just after we had finished our first 5K as a team:

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References:
-Title paraphrased from a quote by Steven Graves.
-Bible verses taken from The Message Bible and The New Living Translation Bible.

I Stumbled Upon This One.

2010-05-23T20:07:00.012-07:00

Well, as some of you know, I am currently nursing a sprained ankle. That means... no cycling, no running, close to no walking. I am, as they say, a gimp.

That also means that the "Stumble Upon" button has been getting quite a workout, instead. Out of sheer boredom, I happened upon this gem. Allow me to share!

(PS: The little cartoon up there is supposed to be of a computer mouse walking on a treadmill. Get it?)

"Dad, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" by Stacey Thornberry

That was the subject of an e-mail I recently received from my roommate. She doesn’t typically send “forwards,” so I knew it had to be good. And, oh, I had no idea!

Here are some of my favorites from the e-mail, with some commentary. There were many more I enjoyed, but some weren’t entirely “blog appropriate”…

“I wish Google Maps had an ‘Avoid Ghetto’ routing option.”
Seriously! I remember moving to San Francisco, I had my roommate draw me a “safe” route to walk to work because I had no idea where the boundaries for the Tenderloin were.

“More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.”
This reminded me of a few people in my life. I pointed out this trait to one of them; I was surprised by how shocked they were to hear they did this. At least when I do it, I tend to be aware that I’m trying to be a one-upper.

“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.”

“Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.”
Yes! Why do we care so much?

“Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the ‘people you may know’ feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?”
I find myself clicking the little “x” that will make these people disappear. And doesn’t it always feel creepy when someone sends you a friend request and Facebook tells you “Sherry Fredster found you using People You May Know.”?

“Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in the U.S. did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no Internet or message boards or FAQs. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.”
How did we know that? How did we do so much before the Internet?

“There is a great need for sarcasm font.”
If you know me, you know how often I use sarcasm. So, hopefully, when we communicate electronically, you know when I’m being sarcastic. But it can take years to cultivate that relationship to where someone knows without being told that no, I wasn’t serious, I was using a sophisticated sense of humor (or, as someone on urbandictionary.com says, sarcasm is “used sometimes in order to belittle someone and make them seem stupid…or equally to amuse and impress them with your mind.” - you decide). I could avoid many miscommunication snafus if I had a sarcasm font.

“I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.”
My list off the top of my head: Mean Girls (I love you, Tina Fey), Little Miss Sunshine (Steve Carrell, you genius), Knocked Up (Judd Apatow, what did we do without you?), Thank You for Smoking (just ignore Katie Holmes - this is a fantastic satire).

“The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.”

“LOL has gone from meaning, ‘laugh out loud’ to ‘I have nothing else to say.’”
I think this captures why I’ve come to despise “LOL.” My best friend and I often discuss how much we hate “LOL” and are much more “haha” people. Who knew we could be categorized as such? One caveat: I love when my senior vice president uses it. Side note: My dad uses “LOL” to mean “Little Old Lady.” How times have changed.

“I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.”
For years, I’ve told people, “When I’m bored, I either sleep or I eat.”

“Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.”
Remember thinking, “There are three C’s in a row. That can’t be right. I must have answered one wrong!” and then second guessing yourself and agonizing over the pattern that had appeared on your Scantron?

“Whenever someone says ‘I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart,’ all I hear is ‘I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart.’”

“How many times is it appropriate to say ‘What?’ before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?”

“While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it….thanks, Mario Kart.”

“Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.”

“Bad decisions make good stories.”
Oh, so true.

“Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!”

“You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.”

“Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.”
Please, please, please…let’s join forces and resist any new technology so I don’t have to waste my money on some new format.

“I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Microsoft Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.”

“I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Ugh!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?”
I have one friend I do this with constantly. I never understand how this actually happens! Ridiculously frustrating.

“I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.”
That just happened to me the other day.

“I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.”
Exactly. Then, I just don’t want to hear classical music or the thousands of They Might Be Giants songs I downloaded because I saw them in concert once or the Broadway showtunes that litter my playlists. Skip, skip, skip.

“Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.”
How is that possible? I do it and I still don’t know.

“I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.”

“It really irritates me when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.”

“The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat glutton before dinner.”
This happened to me when I ordered room service in Phoenix. I ordered chocolate covered strawberries and a chocolate lava cake. The room service staff member asked, “Is this for two?” I said, “No, just me…” And I ate it all.

And the one that inspired the title of the e-mail:

“My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day, ‘Dad, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?’ How on earth do I respond to that?”

Hope you got a giggle out of this. :)

Oh DANG, I need to update!

2010-05-15T07:37:00.005-07:00

Since I last updated, so much has gone down. I've now worked at San Joaquin Community Hospital for a full month, celebrated my 24th birthday (my mom gifted me with a brand new Specialized Sirrus hybrid bike!), planted a bunch of new fruits and veggies in our garden, volunteered at the 5th Annual Bike Bakersfield Downtown Criterium bike race, and today we celebrate my husband's 25th birthday! Isn't it crazy that I've known him for 10 years? :)

My work badge.

Taking a break after my ride out to Enos Lane on my new bike.

Our new Asian pear tree.

Registration for the Downtown Criterium.

The funny Facebook event profile photo for our group birthday party.

At any rate, I'll be honest- it has NOT been easy. I have had a lot of doubts, ups and downs, and been overwhelmed with really negative feelings. But isn't that life? Life just is not perfect, nor is it full of excitement and novelty every single day. I'm just thankful to God that I am able to walk out of this...

One Fruit I Forget to Eat...

2010-04-21T09:00:00.004-07:00

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control..." (Galatians 5:22-23 NIV)

I need to focus more. In this world, it is certainly easy to let my mind wander- "Wouldn't it be nice if I had...?" Jesus said it was simple: Just keep your eyes on the Father, and your nose stuck in His Word (not in other peoples' business!), and the fruit of the Spirit would just naturally emanate from you.

The other day, I was commenting that I "need to remember" that patience is a Godly trait. My friend Daniel reassured me with this: "We sometimes think about the fruits of the Spirit as things we need to work on, but in reality the analogy the apostle Paul was making is that these things just naturally flow out of our relationship with Christ, because the grower doesn't try to make fruit appear on his tree; he has to focus on the tree itself (the relationship with Christ) and the bearing fruit follows when that is healthy."

At any rate, you and I should realise that our growth as Christians is a journey- not to arrive at perfection, but to get to know the Perfect One more intimately.

So why am I talking about patience being something I'm lacking? Well...drumroll, please... I GOT A JOB! On Monday, I started working at San Joaquin Community Hospital in the Health Information Management (HIM) department. I work as a "Document Imaging Specialist" from 1 - 930 PM, Monday through Friday.

But what does this mean? Here is the job description:

Summary of Duties-
The Health Information Management Document Imaging Specialist is responsible for preparing the medical records to maximize scanning efficiency. This position is also responsible for prepping and scanning all paper documents into the electronic document imaging system according to established procedures, guidelines, and productivity standards. The Document Imaging Specialist must understand the validation and completion of the Quality Control process, ensuring the integrity and legality of the EHR. This position is responsible for reviewing scanned documents for overall image quality and the accuracy of indices assigned during the scanning process as well as according to the time-frame requirements. Also responsible for the maintenance and preservation of confidential patient records. Conducts analysis of the electronic medical record for quantitative and qualitative completeness based on Medical Staff Rules and Regulations, State, The Joint Commission, and Federal Guidelines. Also responsible for the retrieval and filing of old paper records required for patient care, audits, release of information and other health care operation purposes.

Qualifications Requirements-
+1 year experience in a health information management position preferred
+Ability to communicate effectively (verbally and written)
+Ability to adapt to a rapid change in both internal and external environments
+Works well with others in a team-orientated environment, including support of other co-workers’ job duties in a manner that further advances the goals and objectives of the whole organization
+Ability to work independently and perform effectively in a fast-paced, high-growth, rapidly changing environment

Now, this is all very new to me. You might have noticed that it says "experience in a HIM position preferred." Well, because I do NOT have that kind of experience (just experience in general office tasks), the last two days have been spent learning like crazy. I've found myself lacking patience with myself, I start up with the self-deprecation... and man, that just makes the work day miserable. I spent the first half of Monday really getting down on myself because I kept making little mistakes (well, duh, it's my first day!). After meeting Kevin for my dinner break, I decided that I was going to be positive, even if I mess up- and, can I just say, that made all the difference. Day two went by a lot quicker, and I wasn't so hard on myself. Like I mentioned above, this is NOT a journey to perfection! ;P

Anyway, I am really glad to be alive right now. I'm enjoying getting out on the bike, but most of all, I'm loving spending time with my mom (who has been coming out on rides with me). On Sunday, we went on a 25-mile ride, but on our way back, we stopped at the Elephant Bar for some snacks and something to drink. It was nice spending the day with her...and even the evening, because she has started coming with me to church! :) I tell you what, though- our "in-betweeners" (as my mom calls them) were certainly very sore! Haha.

Well, day 3 at work starts in a few hours. (Happy Administrative Professionals Day, as a side note!) I am looking forward to all that I learn today. What are YOU looking forward to today? ;)

Rest in Peace, Cousin Richard.

2010-04-21T08:51:00.006-07:00

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned the death of my 48-year-old cousin Richard. Well, I thought I would share an article that the Sacramento Press recently wrote in his honour. In short, my cousin almost single-handedly prevented the beautiful and historic Sacramento Memorial Auditorium from being remade into a more "modern" theatre. Though he struggled with his own demons, he was truly a man who made an impact in his community. If you need anymore proof, just check out some of the community's comments (at the end of the article)! (Just a side-note: the photo to your left is of Richard back in 1987, I believe, playing with little baby me. Teehee!)
---

Advocate for Memorial Auditorium Dies
by Kathleen Haley, published on April 8, 2010 at 8:05PM

A community activist who was at the center of a campaign to maintain Sacramento’s historic Memorial Auditorium has died.

Richard LaVoie of Sacramento died April 2 from heart failure. He was 48.

LaVoie was the organizer of a campaign in the early 1990s to renovate Memorial Auditorium while staying true to its original design, said Bob Rakela, a member of the nonprofit group Friends of Sacramento Memorial Auditorium.

Today, the interior of the building looks impressive, Rakela said. And that’s largely because of LaVoie’s efforts and his fight to “keep it in its original configuration,” he added.

LaVoie pushed for passage of Measure H, the 1992 ballot initiative that successfully prevented the city from carrying out a plan to remake the auditorium into a fixed-seat theater, said Richard Clowdus, a member of the nonprofit group.

LaVoie was committed to preserving the auditorium as a “historic treasure,” Clowdus said.

Noelle Young is also a member of the nonprofit organization that LaVoie founded. “He was a very unique individual, and his loss was huge,” Young said. “He was a wonderful person -- very inspiring in a quiet way.”

Joanne LaVoie, Richard LaVoie’s mother, said phone calls have been pouring in from people who knew him. “I had so many people calling; I don’t believe it,” she said. “It’s just fantastic.”

The graveside service will be held at Sierra Hills Memorial Park and East Lawn Mortuary in Citrus Heights at 2 p.m. April 20, said Joanne LaVoie. After the service, a catered reception will be held at the Sierra Hills Reception Hall, she said. Sierra Hills Memorial Park is located at 5757 Greenback Lane. The public is invited to attend the services.

Honesty Time...

2010-04-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

Man, I'll be honest: Being an "on-fire-for-God" Christian is HARD. You might be saying, "Oh, come on, Lily- how hard is it to love God, go to church every Sunday, and read the Bible?" Well, for those of you who don't know, I used to be a hardcore, ready-to-throw-down, staunch atheist. I was one of those kids, at age 10, on the playground telling kids they were stupid for going to church with their parents. Thank God (like, seriously) that I am not that person anymore, but I was not saved until after I was married to an atheist and had multiple friends who were also vocally atheist. So, yes, I am struggling with that- but I praise the Lord that I have Him to walk me through it, placing Godly people in my life.

On that note, I will also be honest and say that it's really difficult to move on with my life and just live free of my "defining" past of anorexia. Even Godly friends/family members, who understand the concept of 2 Corinthians 5:17 will start getting "worried" about how much I am enjoying bike riding. I have to say, though- God is so freakin' awesome. I was flipping through one of my Bibles during an evening where people were especially coming against me (I had three friends attack my beliefs, and family members expressing unnecessary concern about me to the point that, I don't like to admit, I started doubting my own healing), and I guess I had dog-earred these verses; the pages immediately jumped out of my hands and to Job 33:19-30 (The Message version):

God might get their attention through pain,
by throwing them on a bed of suffering,
So they can't stand the sight of food,
have no appetite for their favorite treats.
They lose weight, wasting away to nothing,
reduced to a bag of bones.
They hang on the cliff-edge of death,
knowing the next breath may be their last.

"But even then an angel could come,
a champion —there are thousands of them!—
to take up your cause,
A messenger who would mercifully intervene,
canceling the death sentence with the words:
'I've come up with the ransom!'
Before you know it, you're healed,
the very picture of health!

"Or, you may fall on your knees and pray— to God's delight!
You'll see God's smile and celebrate,
finding yourself set right with God.
You'll sing God's praises to everyone you meet,
testifying, 'I messed up my life—
and let me tell you, it wasn't worth it.
But God stepped in and saved me from certain death.
I'm alive again! Once more I see the light!'

"This is the way God works.
Over and over again
He pulls our souls back from certain destruction
so we'll see the light—and live in the light!

Seriously?! I mean, WOW. If there is one thing (and really, there are MANY things) I have learned over the last six months, it's that God gives us hope for and direction in ALL circumstances! Yeah...wow.

"Rollin' Wit My Top Down, Listenin' to This Jesus Muzik..."

2010-04-11T16:11:00.007-07:00

[Lecrae:]
Yeah, back on the grind again- I know it's been a lil' while, but it's time again
Folks askin' Crae, "When ya gonna rhyme again?" I'm like, "Hold up, give me time, my man!"
See, a lot of thangs change, some stay the same- went from "H Town" to "D Town" to "Memphis", man
One thang that's "fasho", everywhere I go- people caught up in "theyself", money, cars, and clothes (yep)
They talk about it all the time and put it in they songs
They drive around and play it loud like it ain't nothin' wrong
And all they talk about is sinful stuff, got everybody actin' bad, thinkin' that they a thug (weeelll...)
They tryin' to drown me out, but nah, they ain't gon' count me out
I got a backpack full of tracks, plus I keep a Johnny Mac so we can pound it out
Plus I'm bumpin' these JESUS BEATS whenever they SEEIN' ME
People lookin' all confused, 'cause every one of my tunes is screamin' "JESUS", peeps
I was bumpin' dat TRIP LEE, BJ rollin' WIT ME, both our heads noddin' like we dozin' or we TIPSY
But we ain't been drankin', man- nah, this song just bangin', man
Got us screamin' "JESUS" out the window while we changin' lanes, while we're just...

[Chorus: x3]
Ridin' wit my top down listenin' to this Jesus music
Ride-ridin' wit my top down, down top, top down, ridin' wit my top down
Listenin' to this Jesus music

[Trip Lee:]
If you hear that the bass bang and you see us in ya streets
That stuff ya boy's playin', man, it's gon' be dem Jesus beats (y'all ready)
That stuff we bumpin' ain't that "lean wit it, rock wit it" (nope)
It's that "change ya life and please let the Rock hit it"
Now that stuff that we bump bring the sound of Christ (Christ) 116 our prayer to Christ was once lost, then found- now we down wit Christ
In the dark hearts stop, but we found the light- now it's soundin' right
Suicide to the good and the phantom life 'cause the gospel is good
In the past I don't think y'all understood- now ya got it messed up
Let us outta ya hood, we got the windows down and when we find a cruise
We tryin' to glorify the Lord with what we listen to (OK)- we bump dat Cross movement
We bump that Lampmode (Lampmode); we 'bout that Jesus music
Get up yo' hands, bro (get up yo' hands, bro)- yeah
It might be screwed and chopped; it might be east coast
Either way this Jesus music's hot- bump this in ya speakers, bro
The Lord ain't pleased wit that money and weed
So if you hear them "'sup" and ya see us up in ya streets
I might be...

[Chorus: x3]
Ridin' wit my top down listenin' to this Jesus music
Ride-ridin' wit my top down, down top, top down, ridin' wit my top down
Listenin' to this Jesus music

[Lecrae:]
You like music, from rap to gospel- but ya prolly never heard nobody rap the gospel
Different sound but the truth's the same- no choirs, no bands, but the truth remains
We got fam' and the clique set the booth on flames, St Louis, others, Philly
Like Duce and Flame's- if ya lost in the flow, don't lose the name
It's Jesus Christ, the King of the jews, my man
This ain't entertainment, dawg, it's timeless truth
Would you rather hear a song about shiny coupes? (nope)
Non-fat, non-gat, non-killa rap, 100% "Christ da Blood Spilla" rap
Y'all feelin' that? Rap wrapped up with the gospel; 'ey, Trip, dawg, run it back
Y'all feelin' that? Rap wrapped up with the gospel; 'ey, Trip, dawg, run it back

[Trip Lee:]
If in our car you hear that boom-bep, and you hear some dude's rep
It ain't dem folks that boast, it's folks that tell you where the truth's at
We don't wanna hear about dimes and dope (nope)
We don't wanna hear about nines and smoke
We don't wanna hear about movin' packs and foolish cats
Who lie and boast
We do wanna hear about Christ the King
Do wanna hear how lives is changed
We do wanna hear how God is pleased
And theology of the Bible, man
This Jesus music turn heads, so turn it up and let 'em know
In all we do He's first and this Jesus music's better, bro (yeah)

[Chorus: x3]
Ridin' wit my top down listenin' to this Jesus music
Ride-ridin' wit my top down, down top, top down, ridin' wit my top down
Listenin' to this Jesus music

Asthma and COPD Education Center (ACEC) 20-Mile Family Fun Ride

2010-04-10T16:33:00.012-07:00

Mom and I went out for the ACEC ride this morning at 9 AM. It started at the registration table at CSUB, then we got onto the Riverwalk bike path and rode out to Enos Lane. That's about 10 miles, where we got some snacks and water, and then rode another 10 miles back. (Here is the interactive map.) At the end, we got to have some yummy BBQ chicken, beans, salsa, rolls, and salad! The weather was seriously awesome, though on the way back the headwind was pretty strong. Mom donated 100$ to the ACEC, so they ended up giving her 100 raffle tickets (yes, I'm serious!)... I'm pretty sure one of us will be getting a winning call tonight or tomorrow. Haha.

I got some photos while we were out:

Satan Has Been Defeated!

2010-04-09T09:29:00.045-07:00

So, as you might not know, I was away at Mercy Ministries for just short of 6 months. They posted my very condensed testimony on their website here: Nine Mercy Graduates Celebrate in Nashville, St Louis, and Lincoln!

I was hesitant about sharing my full written testimony, but after talking with a friend (and waiting a few weeks for God's discernment), I am going to post it here with the hope that people hear what I went through- and then see how I came through it all, with God on my side... "I would think any girl could read that and feel loved." (That quote came via my friend, if you're wondering.) As a side note, I'd like to mention that I have not posted any photos of me before I went to Mercy Ministries. This is because most of them only serve[d] to drive myself (and others!) further into that sort of disordered, victimised thinking. However, there are three "before, during, after" photos. If you click on them, it will navigate you away from my blog (to the original photo), and end up interrupting the music player. :( But anyway, with that clarified, here is my testimony...

Let’s rewind 15, nearly 16, years. At that point in time, I was Lily Berger, age 8. I was short, with blonde hair and bright green eyes...and I was hyper beyond all means. I had already become the school outcast, lost friends, irritated adults, and exasperated my parents. I quickly realised that I needed desperately to calm myself down in any way possible. I had noticed that when I didn't eat lunch, or didn't have a full meal, I would start to drag in energy after awhile. It made me less of an annoyance, less "obnoxious," as I was often described. And so it began. Throw away a juice box here, a sandwich there.

By age 12, I had extremely low self-esteem, due to a childhood of frequent physical, verbal and emotional abuse. My view of what it meant to be Christian was also warped by my staunchly atheist upbringing. Although my parents provided my sister and me with a constant whirlwind of extracurricular opportunities that their parents were never able to afford, they also expected perfection. As I had many female family members who often vocally expressed their dissatisfaction with their weight, I began to use that perfectionist mentality on my physical looks, as well as to determine my worth as a person. Now the eating disorder was not just about calming my hyperactive mind; I was restricting and throwing things away in order to slim down my legs.

At age 15, the abuse and trauma that I had been experiencing heightened, and my thoughts became more and more suicidal. I even made a pact to myself to lose weight, lose my mind, and then lose my life by age 20. I began self-inflicting as a secondary way to punish myself for reasons only known to me. I never felt like I could do anything well enough, and thus, I couldn't be worthy of happiness. I began restricting and purging on a daily basis, taking illegal diet drugs, and covering up self-inflicted pain by downing sleeping pills and cough syrup. I spent my days in either a fog or in rapid motion, running at a 100 MPH. I felt like I was in a perpetual cycle of exhausting pain. I had to find an alternative, it seemed, but I had no clue what that could be.

A month after my 17th birthday in May, I went on my 1st date—the prom—with Kevin Mershon, who was a year older than me. Four months later, Kevin moved from our hometown of Bakersfield to go to San Jose State University, and we began a long distance relationship. A year and a half later, I graduated high school, began attending Bakersfield College, and started working at Starbucks.

When I was 19, Kevin and I got engaged. I was elated and moved up to San Jose to be with him. Finally free from the control and abuse at home, I drank constantly, skipping school in favour of vodka. I could keep things "under control" until my 20th birthday, when I bought my own scale. The next day, my descent into restrictive anorexia nervosa began spiraling out of control. I was also terrified that I had lived past my 20th birthday, even after multiple previous attempts to take my own life. Fear dominated my thoughts and actions.

Within 6 months, I had become dangerously underweight. During that time, I had also taken a second job as a student assistant in the department of foreign languages at San Jose State University, where I was also a full-time French student. Kevin eventually convinced me to see a university counselor, as I was slipping at work, fainting, and though I was still getting straight A's in school, I couldn't concentrate. I had also begun to isolate and beg co-workers for prescription pain medication...just to get out of my head. I was literally starving myself to death, and every moment seemed too bright, too warped to handle. Though the counselor was nice, I lied my way around her questions, trying to “fix myself” on my own.

Kevin and I were married on the 21 December 2006, during the university's winter recess, in the courthouse of Bakersfield, CA. I felt like maybe I could finally be happy, feel loved. Three months later, however, I admitted to my counselor that I was taking sleeping pills in large amounts to numb my mind, and she had me admitted to a psych ward immediately. After a month in the hospital, Kevin and my parents were informed that I no longer had any insurance coverage left. I was discharged in April and immediately admitted to a residential facility for eating disorders. My father informed me sternly that I needed to get better because they were going to pay out-of-pocket for me. I had finally gotten my parents’ attention, and began to believe that the only thing that made me unique or I could be good at was being “the sickly anorexic daughter.”

The next 2.5 years were spent in and out of hospitals for seizures, heart problems, and near kidney failure. Again, my parents poured money into 2 more inpatient facilities. These last two stays were at Christian facilities, and my eyes were opened to who God is. However, I continued to be ruled by my “anorexic victim” identity and the doubt and skepticism of atheism. God simply wasn’t real for me—He worked for other, more carefree people—and He certainly couldn’t miraculously “heal” people of a “medically-documented psychiatric illness like anorexia nervosa." These traumatic experiences also only planted more fear in my heart.

After my last inpatient stay, I spent my time trying to help others get into treatment. All the while, I was starving myself and spent several hours per day running and walking around town, just in order to be “good at something” and to somehow find something to fill the empty loneliness I felt deep in my heart. It was only when I was looking for free-of-charge treatment for another woman that I stumbled across Mercy Ministries’ website. When I attempted to convince a friend to sponsor me for the 2008 Run For Mercy, she refused, saying that the only way she’d donate is if I was a resident!

Almost exactly a year later (October 2009), I walked though those front doors, both physically and spiritually emaciated. I was full of bitterness, anger, and literally had no hope of being free from the bondage of anorexia.

Taken only a couple weeks into my stay, with a former resident. I was still rebelling by exercising at any chance I got, despite the staff's audible concern about my failing health.

BUT! In those 5.5 months, God completely transformed my life! Within the first week, He completely delivered me from a pack-a-day smoking habit and a reliance on multiple psychotropic medications. As I continued to immerse myself in the Word, I began to see myself as God does—uniquely made, inside and out, for an awesome purpose that I cannot even truly fathom! He showed me, through the staff at Mercy, that His perfect and unfailing love pours into and out of me, casting out all fear. (The staff also taught me all about respect, humility, and submission to Godly authority, too! :D)

Taken a month into my stay, during the grand opening, with my parents. That day, I expressed my unconditional forgiveness and asked for their forgiveness, as well.

By God forgiving me for all the pain I’ve caused others, I have been able to forgive myself and those who hurt me in the past. I no longer have to identify myself by what others say or do to me, because God does that for me instead! I now know who I am in Christ—capable, accepted, joyful, strong, confident, and healed, a unique piece of His beautiful handiwork, and a totally new creation! At Mercy, I learned to trust in God’s promises to take everything I went through and use it solely for my good. I can see now that He used all those negative experiences to get me to Mercy Ministries where He could hold me close and show me that He is my Protector, my Healer, and the only one I should seek approval from. Through it all, I was sheltered by the covering of His Son’s precious blood. He was nailed to the cross, so I could live freely, not just “coping” or maintaining a façade. What’s more, God became my Rock—I no longer have to be self-reliant, nor do I have to continue in the victim role because He empowers me to make that choice between life and death. I realized that even though I felt like my way was working just enough to get me through the day, that path led not only to mortal death but eternal death as well. His grace has become sufficient for me. I am finally able to sleep through the night, because I am wrapped up in His peace. As I seek out God’s will for my life, He has continued to provide, and when I give everything over to Him, He opens doors I doubted could ever even be unlocked. My life wasn't and isn't perfect, nor will it ever be, but I don't need to be scared of that. It's so awesome to know that God will always and forever be there to guide me, even if I don't get what He's doing in my life. My favorite verse, 2 Timothy 1:7, sums it up best (I’ve paraphrased just a bit): “God didn’t give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind!”

While at Mercy, my aimless, unceasing running in search of something to fill a void has charged its course— I am now running for the prize of eternal life!

Taken on 24 March 2010, after graduation, with programme director Cheryl Bangs and two other graduates. I'm the one in white! Read more about Beth's (right) journey here!

Later edit- Read more about God's awesome and transforming power here: "Who Am I?"

There... I Fixed It! (Epic FAIL!)

2010-04-08T21:39:00.009-07:00

(I just thought y'all could use a laugh...)

God is GOOD!

2010-04-07T08:54:00.014-07:00

Eh, we hear it time and time again... "God is so good!" And sometimes, we start getting irritated with how cliche those four words have become. But, I mean, really- God can do so many awesome things when we just give "it" up (whatever your "it" is) to Him. I'll be honest, it's not been easy adjusting to my "new" body, but He never assured us that any change would be a cinch. And honestly, we never learn to appreciate how far we've come if letting go of the old junk is an easy process.

Since I last wrote, I found out that my cousin, age 48, fell over and died from a heart attack while waiting at the bus stop. I didn't know him very well, as he was pretty introverted, but his death got me thinking:

1) We really DO need to take care of ourselves, because even if we don't see the immediate consequences from our actions (in his case, years of heavy smoking and morbid obesity), it will eventually catch up with us (many times, without warning)!
2) I know my grandma, my aunt (my cousin's mother), and my mom are in deep mourning over his death. I keep coming back to my aunt, though- I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose a child after 48 short years, where he lived in constant self-doubt and self-condemnation. And that brought me to the remembrance that I, myself, nearly up and died from almost the exact same thing! Anorexia and heavy smoking is just as dangerous as the latter and obesity, and yes, it can cause one to keel over from a heart attack (especially considering the miles of walking and running I did in the 105-degree summer heat). But that's not really what concerns me; what saddens my heart is knowing that my mother would have had to deal with that, just as my aunt is grieving the death of her son. And I've lived 25 years LESS than my cousin did! That being said, I'm determined to start living my life, and spending more time with my mom, even if it means feeling a bit uncomfortable sometimes. Just like I said above... LIVING LIFE ISN'T NECESSARILY EASY!

Anyway, Easter was, as it should be, a big day of celebration, though I didn't really go to any egg hunts, scarf chocolate, or eat tonnes of ham with generations of my family. I spent the morning at Westside Church of Christ with my mom-in-law so she wouldn't have to go alone (my dad-in-law is away for work, and my husband won't go to church). Afterward we picked Kevin up and went to lunch at Cactus Valley. Later that night, I picked my mom up, and we both went to my new church called New Life Center. The worship there is a lot louder, instrumental, and charismatic than Westside. I'm actually going to their women's Bible study for the first time tonight- the workbook we are starting is called "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality"... sounds good, eh? But yeah, I was really glad that my mom came with me, since she had spent the day in bed, depressed about the passing of my cousin. Sometimes getting out helps to get your mind off things...

At any rate, I think the service helped remind my mom (and myself!) that she is not condemned by her past because the sacrificial blood of Jesus Christ covers us all- I started crying when Pastor James drove that point home, because I certainly have screwed up in the eyes of a lot of people. God is so good, though! (There I go... saying that phrase again!) I just refuse to be defined as the anorectic anymore, and it's like, I don't even really want to associate with people who are choosing to stay stuck in that mentality. (This, however, gets me a little torn up because I don't want to associate with those people who continue to make the wrong decisions for my own sake, but then again, I know that if the staff at Mercy hadn't firmly persisted in breaking through to me, I would be dead! It's one of those things that you really have to patiently wait on the Lord to give you discernment on what to say or do, you know? :/)

Exciting news! On Monday, I rode my bike to the Starbucks I have been hoping to get a job at, and had a short interview with Ally, the manager. At the end, she said that she wasn't sure how many hours she could start me off with, but that she really wanted me on her team no matter what, because I have "great energy" and she felt like she had known me forever (her words!)... Awesome! It's amazing how God really works through you- when you let Him! So yeah, on Friday, she's going to call me with my training schedule and I'll start working within the next couple weeks! WOOHOO!

Later on Monday, my mom and I rode our bikes downtown, so she could get her lymphedema arm sleeve thingie measured. We ended up having lunch at the Garden Spot, and then rode home. On the Kern River Parkway path, though, we got flagged down by a newscaster and interviewed. The video of it is below, and we were interviewed around the 3:15 and 3 minute points. Haha...

Yesterday evening, we had our friends (a couple) and their 1.5-year-old son over for dinner. It's amazing how utterly grown up their little one is now! The last time I saw him, he was JUST starting to roll over on his own. Now he can say words, stand, walk, and even run! He knows all his body parts, and definitely knows how to be mischievous! >:D He's so precious, and yes, it was great to get to see my friends, as well!

Anyway, as I sit here on the couch with my big boy cat snoring next to me, listening to great worship music on the Contemporary Christian music channel, I will leave you with these awesome verses (Psalm 118:5-6) that I re-read today:

"In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

Go, Go, Go!

2010-04-02T16:47:00.031-07:00

There's something so deliciously freeing about riding my bike, but not feeling like I have to pedal as hard as I can in order to "get away." I don't have to be a pro, and I don't have to be the best. I'm just going to be myself, even if that means that I'm not #1 at it.
I've started going to Bike Bakersfield and fiddling around in the Bike Kitchen. It's definitely a good hobby, and I've made a few friends/acquaintances. (Even cooler: If I volunteer for 15+ hours, I'll be able to put together my own bike from the donated parts there. Scraper bike, anyone? Hahaha!) On the 30 March, Kevin and I even ventured out to Beach Park for the Full Moon Ride- sadly, I ended up with a flat about halfway to the Riverwalk Park, so Kev walked my bike to a nearby restaurant while I rode his bike back to the car in order to drive to meet up with him again. (Wow, sounds really complicated but it really wasn't.)
This morning and afternoon, I was blessed to go out for a bike ride with my beautiful mom. I've really started to appreciate the woman who brought me into this amazing world. We rode to Trader Joe's, where we bought lunch, and then ate outside in the beautiful sun. On our way back to my parents' house, we stopped by the Chinmaya Mission, where she showed me all the flowers she planted in their garden. Pretty dang cool, if you ask me! Man, I love spring, don't you?
In the last week, I've visited my grandma twice- she's about 2.5 hours away in a nursing home, and it breaks my heart to see her so helpless. There are days when I just cannot grasp how old I really am. Just 20 more days, and I will be 24 years old. I remember the moment Kevin and I decided that we would start dating, when I was just 17. I remember celebrating Y2K. I remember my first Nutcracker performance at age 10. It's so weird. So seeing my grandma in that hospital bed, her hip tender to the touch and her shoulder in a sling (she broke it after falling- she has severe osteoporosis) really woke me up. On the 25 March, when I went to visit her with my dad and Kevin, she turned and looked at me, then whispered: "Lily, you've done this whole hospital thing a lot lately; how do you just let people do everything for you?" I guess everyone struggles to give up control in one way or the other.
I've also spent some time with my mother-in-law (MIL) lately. I rode my bike over to her house, then helped her walk the dogs and wrap wedding gifts. I'm hoping to get a job at the same hospital that my MIL works at as the chief clinical dietitian/assistant director of nutrition. If anyone out there is reading this, PLEASE pray that God directs all my words, actions, and choices in the coming weeks. I am going to have an interview with the manager of the nearest Starbucks this next Monday (5 April), and my MIL said I should get a call about an interview within the next week.

I notice that the only thing that causes me to want to backslide is when I start looking back at the past. I am plagued by people, memories, relationships, places from my past, popping up after forgetting me for the last six months. This is particularly hard, so I look to the Bible, which says that the Lord does not forget me, nor does is He flaky or untrustworthy. Phew...
Life is beautiful. I just pray that I stay this positive and focussed on my God...and HIS TRUTHS.

God's Word Reveals His Character.

2010-03-29T16:56:00.013-07:00

So, since I got home from Mercy Ministries, I've been doing a LOT of cleaning and getting rid of stuff. I happened upon a paper (I'm not sure where it came from) that reminded me of who God really is. Not only is the Bible the LIVING TRUTH, but every book in it tells us who God is. I just hope this reminds you of His love, too.

Genesis: He's the breath of life
Exodus: He's the passover lamb
Leviticus: He's our high priest
Numbers: He's the fire by night
Deuteronomy and Judges: He's Israel's guard
Joshua: He's salvation
Ruth: He's the redeemer
1&2 Samuel: He's our trusted prophet
Kings and Chronicles: He's sovereign
Ezra: He's the faithful scribe
Nehemiah: He's the rebuilder of walls and lives
Esther: He's our courage
Job: He's the timeless redeemer
Psalms: He's our morning song
Proverbs: He's our wisdom
Ecclesiastes: He's the time and the season
Song of Solomon: He's the lover's dream
Isaiah: He's the prince of peace
Jeremiah: He's the weeping prophet
Lamentations: He's the cry for Isreal
Ezekiel: He's the call from sin
Daniel: He's the stranger in the fire
Hosea: He's the forever faithful
Joel: He's the spirit's power
Amos: He's the strong arms that carry
Obadiah: He's the Lord, our Saviour
Jonah: He's the great missionary
Micah: He's the promise of peace
Nahum: He's our strength and our shield
Habakkuk and Zephaniah: He's our revival
Haggai: He restores that which was lost
Zachariah: He's our fountain
Malachi: He's the son of righteousness, rising with healing in his hands
Matthew, Mark, Luke, John: He's our God and our Messiah
Acts: He's the son of God rising with the fire of heaven in his hands
Romans: He's the grace of God
Corinthians: He's the power of love
Galatians: He's the freedom from the curse of sin
Ephesians: He's our glorious treasure
Philippians: He's the servant's heart
Colossians: He's God and the truth
Thessalonians: He's our calling king
Titus, Timothy, Philemon: He's our mediator and our faithful pastor
Hebrews: He's our everlasting courage
James: He's the one who will heal the sick
1&2 Peter: He's our faithful shepherd
John and Jude: He's the lover coming for His bride

and...

Revelation: In the end, when time is no more, He was and is and will always be...
The King of kings
The Lord of lords
The Prince of peace
The Son of man
The lamb of God
The great I AM
The alpha and omega
God, Our Saviour.

HE IS JESUS CHRIST, OUR LORD.

Book Review: "Skinny Bitch" by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin (AKA Tweedle Dee and Tweedle DUMB).

2009-10-01T11:48:00.009-07:00

So... has anyone actually really read Skinny Bitch? It's horrifying- the way they put their readers down is unparalleled and sums up just how disordered and distorted our society's body image is.

(Note: As Peach Friedman wrote in her memoir "Diary of an Exercise Addict," did you know that only an estimated 2% of women worldwide find themselves beautiful? Two percent!)

If anything, the book is a semi-manual for how to pull the trigger on a full-blown eating disorder. I know this is not me just being sensitive (as I have been in and out of treatment for anorexia nervosa and other eating disorders for over a decade): there's a reason it only receives a meagre 3-star average rating (out of five stars) on Amazon, with 302 out of 1000 reader reviews being a telling one-star rating. Be sure to note, however: Most of the positive reviews just scream disordered thinking and behaviours...

Along those lines, do these self-proclaimed "writers" (an ex-model and former modeling agent, to boot!) really think being vegan is, like, a dieting thing? That's like the PETA billboard's claim that being vegetarian is a great way to lose weight! Uh, no, and if you are becoming vegetarian or vegan to lose weight, you're more than likely just using a euphemism for disordered eating.

And lastly, but certainly not least, the "misogynists" who wrote the book are nutritionists; that is, they are not dietitians. Nutritionists nearly always undergo far less education, experience, certification, internships, and training. How do I know this? My mother-in-law (scroll down to locate "Kathleen") is the chief clinical dietitian and assistant director of nutrition at the hospital here. Trust me, she will correct somebody if they say she's a nutritionist. "No, I went through far too many classes, internships, dietetic certifications, and so on, to be generally labeled as a 'nutritionist'," she often reminds people.

(Please also note this revealing statement: "In many countries only people who have specified educational credentials can call themselves 'dietitians' — the title is legally protected. The term 'nutritionist' is also widely used; however, the term nutritionist is not regulated as dietitian is. People may [as in, "might"- not in the permissive sense] call themselves nutritionists without the educational and professional requirements of registered dietitians.")

Just to drive the point home, I'll conclude by saying this: This book is insanely degrading. The "authors" are not professionals on the topic. They are crude, vulgar, and crass. This book does nothing for our 21st century society, except cause us to take 10 steps backwards, while we desperately need to be moving toward self-realisation and self-acceptance. I do not recommend this drivel to anyone who wants to live life to the fullest by learning intuitive eating, balanced physical activity, and in turn, gaining inner peace. Actually... scratch that. I don't recommend this crap to anyone, period.

(Just for the record: I literally ripped this book up to shreds while in treatment (2007-2008) for an eating disorder. Yes... yes, I did. Why? Because after the real dietitians showed me how to restore and maintain my weight in a healthy manner, based on their knowledge and extensive training, I realised Freedman and Barnouin have gone further than following their own "fad diet" and verbal abuse- they are dangerously promoting: exaggerations, self-deprecation, nutritionally unsound advice, and...let's be honest, themselves.)

Book Review: "Diary of an Exercise Addict" by Peach Friedman.

2009-09-28T22:59:00.010-07:00

"Diary of an Exercise Addict" is a truly amazing book; though the dust jacket may look deceivingly like the writing could be "triggering" for those with an eating disorder (ED), Peach Friedman does an excellent job at giving the "bigger picture" of just how much an ED and/or exercise addiction destroys and encompasses every aspect of an individual's entire life (not just physical health, but relationships, friendships, motivation, potential, etc). I genuinely recommend this book to anyone who might think that they have an unbalanced relationship with their body image, food, exercise; I also think this candidly written memoir is eye-opening to anyone with a fully-diagnosable eating disorder who wants a genuine picture of what "recovery" really looks like and entails. In the epilogue, Friedman speaks more in-depth about how an ED and exercise addiction are manifested in our culture (and gives more "research" and "clinical knowledge," rather than her side of the story or her memories), as well as the rarely-admitted, difficult (yet possible) journey into a strong recovery.

There are many quotable words-of-wisdom throughout her memoir and epilogue, but there are two sections that really stood out to me (both in the section of the epilogue about finding balance in a world that encourages "black or white" thinking). Also, just to preface the following: Peach Friedman is now in strong recovery as a personal trainer to women and men of all walks of life, including patients at the highly-regarded Summit Outreach ED Programme in Sacramento, CA.

The first is:

"It is estimated that only 2% of women worldwide (worldwide!) describe themselves as beautiful. I'm on a mission to move these numbers UP."

Wow, just... wow- how maddening is that ridiculously low percentage? Looks like we all need some self-care, self-satisfaction, and self-love, no? The second section is something that I thought really applied to many women of all ages in our western culture, who have not yet found that "healthy balance" between food/health/exercise/body satisfaction:

"As soon as we track ourselves to fight our bodies, to fight our natural size and shape, like I did, we embark on a battle destined for failure. It is impossible to win when we fight who we are. We only run further from happiness, from health, and from freedom... It's worth mentioning that an exercise addiction does not affect only those who are underweight and spending hours every day in the gym. A person can have an unhealthy, addictive obsession with exercise while still working out in moderate, recommended amounts. Some individuals may maintain a healthy body weight while exhibiting the psychological symptoms of an exercise compulsion, such as feeling the need to exercise on certain days at certain times in certain ways, or, if that routine is not possible, feeling extreme guilt as a result."

So... how many individuals do you know that sound like they might just be a little "disordered" in their thinking/fitness routines/eating habits, eh? It's something to contemplate, and Peach Friedman does an excellent job of bringing it to our attention, with her own truly relatable story and without a sense of "know-it-all personal trainer" condescension.

Peach also has a great website, located at: http://www.peachfriedman.com.

Cornflake Girl. (A Critique of my Artwork by Caitlin St Angelo.)

2009-09-27T17:41:00.015-07:00

So, I'm not really sure if most of you know, but I've been in love with creative expression since before I can remember, whether it be through writing, drawing, beading, cooking, baking, or collaging. A few months ago, my friend Caitlin St Angelo had been given an assignment for her course in artwork to critique a "showcased artist."

(PS: Yes, that photo is of me, during my very first semester in college, at age 18. I took a poorly-instructed art course at that community college, and it was the only "B" grade I've ever received while in college or university. Honestly, the teacher only gave "A"s to the students who were brown-nosers and suck-ups. And seriously, I have been known to be quite the "teacher's pet"...except in that class. Especially in that class. Because the art professor was probably in his late-80's and showed us his published work, which, honest-to-God, looked like a five-year-old had been let loose with a pencil in his hand after being allowed access to an open sugar bowl. It was that bad. And I have never taken an instructed art class since. Anyway...)

Now, I'm not really some grand artist, raking in the dough, or anything more than a semi-refined "casual doodler." But... I had just been asked by another friend if she could showcase three of my pieces at a New York university for NEDAwareness Week 2009, and shortly afterwards, I was asked to do a piece for an auction to help my friend Stacy Pershall meet the budget goal for the costs of her upcoming documentary. So yeah, I guess you could kinda call me an artist whose creations have been "displayed."

At any rate, she chose three drawings that I had intended as part of a "series," though sadly, I have never finished creating all of the imagined pieces I wanted to include. The following is her critique, written in early 2009.
---

"Lily M___'s drawing, as pictured on the previous page, reflects her 10 year drawing experience, as well as the triumphs and tribulations that fuel her work. Her initial drawings were anime imitations, which set the basis for her "cartooning", although she has considerable experience drawing realistically. Her focus slowly shifted through her early adolescence into using art as an outlet, channeling the themes of friendship, love, and the emotional runoff from her lifelong eating disorder.

This particular piece is one in a three-part series, pictures of which are shown below. Lily's Japanese-inspired figures have morphed over time in to a very specific stylized form, which still shows a basic understanding for the curves of anatomy. Her consistent use of the same style throughout her drawings implies that Lily has found her unique artistic voice, and developed a particular look that defines her work. This piece specifically also showcases a narrative, which is further developed in the series, and is very typical in all of her artwork. Lily also fond of adding a written sentence to her pieces, acting as a sort of statement of intent. Here, "I never was a cornflake girl" is stated, placed neatly beside the female form, both of which comprise a very simple and clean-cut composition, highlighted with the use of a general left side light source. There are multiple focal points, keeping the viewers eye moving - first to the "X", then between the falling cereal bowl and the written phrase next to the girl. Her artistic visions are usually complimented with very soft feminine figures like this one, frequently having some sort of erethral quality to them, and being very delicately proportioned. Rarely do her figures include full detailed anatomy, they are usually simplified down to very minimal lines, focusing on the subject matter directly and not embellishing on anything extraneous to that theme.

Although there is much to be said about the caliber of her work, there is a substantial amount that may not be considered up to par. Her figures, for example, are disproportionate; the hands and feet on all of her forms are over-sized, their bodies elongated and lanky. Rarely do her people have accurate facial features; this figure lacks eyes, a nose, and has only an "X" in place of he mouth. The range of lights and darks (all done with a #2 pencil) are very limited, representing only three or four shades. There is a complete lack of background, without even a horizon line to set the perspective. The inner contours, on the shirt for example, are very understated; only the outer contours are drawn in, the interiors left to be imagined. This piece lacks much of the "wow" factor in realism. In comparison to a detailed drawing, finished edge-to-edge realistically, Lily's piece might look much less skilled.

The flaw with the negative critique is that a drawing as such cannot necessarily be treated as a "traditional" piece. One could argue that Lily has little artistic talent, and is very limited in her capabilities. Her artwork doesn't show an efficient mastery of value scale, and is very simplistic overall. So much more could have been accomplished here, as there is much negative space to be filled. One could also argue that the simplistic forms and composition compliment the purpose of the piece, while the unrealistically drawn figure--consider its proportions, and the "X" across her mouth--in addition to the message beside her, are choice for conveying the message behind this drawing. The narrative here tells a very compelling story, especially in the context of the series. The minimalist approach, paired with the overall style, is completely warranted in this situation, and goes to show that Lily is a very talented artist, as well as an effective storyteller through the use of her art."
---

So... What are your thoughts on my artwork?

Psalm 102. ("Prayer of The Afflicted.")

2009-09-27T11:01:00.045-07:00

In April of this year, I was reading through Psalms in my brand-new Bible (given to me by my mother-in-law as a baptism gift). Many of these psalms made me think deeply about just how much each and every one of us struggle, in one way or another. Our sermon that morning had been on "self-control" (as well as faithfulness and gentleness), and as Bobby spoke, I remember feeling my eyes well up with all-too-familiar, knowing tears.

It's important to remember, as we learned, that we do not have to be controlled by the "works of the flesh" (whether that be addictive substances, overpriced gourmet delicacies, the latest "à la mode" purchase, and so on); rather, we can make decisions ultimately controlled by the Spirit (Romans 8:5-11). There is only one faith, and that is the faith we have in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 4:5, Galatians 3:26), not a man-made faith. No material goods (ironic term, no?) --food, drugs, alcohol, lavish clothing, latest-and-greatest tech toys-- come close to His indescribable love. But how do we put all that aside? It's not easy, and certainly not without challenge. All we can do is read and personally interpret His Word, using it as a "blueprint," so to speak (Galatians 5:6).

Now, okay, this sounds a bit laughable, but I have likened God's word to a Garmin GPS (Proverbs 8:27, KJ21). Whether we have completely detoured from the "right" path or perhaps just need a little reassurance, it's up to us to choose to set aside our "mortal" fears, concerns, ego, and/or pride. In the meantime, He waits and watches, hoping you'll catch the "oddly coincidental signs" of His love. (There are other parallels I've drawn between God's Word and a GPS navigation system- but, uh, I'll save my humour for another time. Heehee.)

Our identity is in Christ Alone (Galatians 3:26-29), and from Psalm 102, we see that He can and will heal the wounded, the sick, the hurt... all through His unconditional love and our nonstop (albeit, imperfect!) attempts to stay faithful in Him.

So! I'm truly interested in knowing:
What are your thoughts (on this post, on Psalm 102, on faith, etc)?
---

Psalm 102*
("Prayer of the afflicted while faint, pour[ing their] lament before the LORD.")
^1-2God, listen! Listen to my prayer,
listen to the pain in my cries.
Don't turn your back on me
just when I need you so desperately.
Pay attention! This is a cry for help!
And hurry—this can't wait!

^3-11I'm wasting away to nothing,
I'm burning up with fever.
I'm a ghost of my former self,
half-consumed already by terminal illness.
My jaws ache from gritting my teeth;
I'm nothing but skin and bones.
I'm like a buzzard in the desert,
a crow perched on the rubble.
Insomniac, I twitter away,
mournful as a sparrow in the gutter.
All day long my enemies taunt me,
while others just curse.
They bring in meals—casseroles of ashes!
I draw drink from a barrel of my tears.
And all because of your furious anger;
you swept me up and threw me out.
There's nothing left of me—
a withered weed, swept clean from the path.

^12-17Yet you, God, are sovereign still,
always and ever sovereign.
You'll get up from your throne and help Zion—
it's time for compassionate help.
Oh, how your servants love this city's rubble
and weep with compassion over its dust!
The godless nations will sit up and take notice
—see your glory, worship your name—
When God rebuilds Zion,
when he shows up in all his glory,
When he attends to the prayer of the wretched.
He won't dismiss their prayer.

^18-22Write this down for the next generation
so people not yet born will praise God:
"God looked out from his high holy place;
from heaven he surveyed the earth.
He listened to the groans of the doomed,
he opened the doors of their death cells."
Write it so the story can be told in Zion,
so God's praise will be sung in Jerusalem's streets
And wherever people gather together
along with their rulers to worship him.

^23-28God sovereignly brought me to my knees,
he cut me down in my prime.
"Oh, don't," I prayed, "please don't let me die.
You have more years than you know what to do with!
You laid earth's foundations a long time ago,
and handcrafted the very heavens;
You'll still be around when they're long gone,
threadbare and discarded like an old suit of clothes.
You'll throw them away like a worn-out coat,
but year after year you're as good as new.
Your servants' children will have a good place to live
and their children will be at home with you.

*I have used bold text to denote verses that particularly spoke to me.
(Translation taken from "The Message")

"The Handmaid's Tale" by Margaret Atwood. (Book Review.)

2009-09-25T13:47:00.006-07:00

All during American history, women (among many others) have made an effort to receive rights equal to a man’s. The book "The Handmaid’s Tale" by Margaret Atwood presents a horrifying scenario: women have become the property of men, and the men, the property of a damaged government in the Republic of Gilead.

The book begins describing how the main character, a Handmaid named Offred (read: Of Fred), lives with the Commander and his wife and must perform menial tasks such as going to the market (where the signs are not words but pictures, because women are not allowed to read). Her biggest assignment once a month is to lie with the Commander and hope that she can get pregnant, because if she can not, she will be sent to the Colonies, where women and other outcasts work with meagre portions of food and dangerous surroundings. Also in this society, doctors who perform or used to perform abortions are hunted down and murdered, as well as previous religious leaders and promiscuous homosexuals. Anyone that goes against the grain in this new society is punished. Throughout the book Offred reminisces about the years—when she would play with her daughter, go places with her husband Luke, and could work to earn money—before she became a Handmaid in this deranged society.

This story puts a new spin on everyday life. It makes the reader wary of the future, as "The Handmaid’s Tale" can almost seem like something that has already happened before or foreshadowing for a lifestyle that is imminent. The detail in this book is incredible as well. It can make any reader appreciative for all the small things they have—like the freedom of sexuality, the freedom to protest, and the freedom to gain knowledge.

In addition, a topic frequently brought up in this fictional yet realistic account is sexual relations. Though it may be a squeamish topic for the rather conservative audience, sex is presented as something almost sacred. However, at the same time, sex is no longer something that is allowed for pleasure; instead it is only an instinctive act of reproduction. For this reason (and also for a few curse words and other mature topics like death), I would say this book is not for your little brother or sister in elementary and junior high school.

After finishing this book, I felt satisfied, as though I had just lived another’s life through the account of someone in the past, or someone that sent their horrifying tale back in time. The ending is incredible, as it is presented in the future as historical notes by fictional professors and fans of this tale of a Handmaid in a maniacal republic.

“While the initial idea for 'The Handmaid’s Tale' came to me in 1981, I avoided writing it for several years because I was apprehensive about the results—whether I would be able to carry it off as a literary form,” Atwood noted, in ‘A Note to the Reader’. Perhaps it is fortunate she did end up publishing this avant-garde novel until years later. That being said, "The Handmaid’s Tale" is not a dust-collecting addition to the top tier of one’s bookshelf, but rather, something to keep on a nightstand to contemplate over and over again.

Documentation.

2009-09-24T15:44:00.002-07:00

I've always documented my body- it's ups, it's downs, it's clay-like morphing before the mirror. Every time I gain, lose, maintain, the way the fat and muscle lay is different.

I don't take photos anymore, and I haven't for over a year. But today I felt compelled to, just so I have a reference. Will I come back, and look at those photos like an outsider (as I always do when it comes to living as me)? Or will I just go back to the being the sculptor, my skeletal remains as the clay?

I want to be able to be in my body, not a skeptical and disgusted purveyor of rotten goods. And if I were honest, I want to be able to vanish from sight, disappear from view, eradicate myself from the planet... like a white-board marker scribble being erased with one fell wipe.

La Vida Dulce. (A Lovely Ditty Written by a Friend.)

2009-09-18T20:46:00.026-07:00

I'm a wife, mom and blogger,
Coffee drinker, baker, and jogger.
I don't swim in the sea
Or make potpourri.
I like pizza with a good lager.

(Not really, but it was the only word
that rhymed. Anyway...)

I'm a C-section survivor.
The mother, the gard'ner, the driver,
A maid, and a groomer.
(Have I said coffee consumer?)
I'm not the best, but I try-ver.

I'm the home-school professor,
And my desk is a mess-er.
A guitar player who cooks,
A reader of books;
I'm early to rise, I confess-er.

From laundry [I constantly] flee;
My van is chock full of debris.
I mow the lawn,
Walk our dogs in the dawn-
Only after two cups of coffee.

Like you, I do many things.
But its Christ who gives me the wings
To press on when life's hard,
Knowing He will stand guard.
His love is what makes my heart sing.

Among titles, no more am I "slave":
For Christ overcame that dark grave;
In Him I am free
To be who He's called me to be.
And that's the short story of me.

-La Vida Coffee Gal
(Galatians 5:1)

I'm GOING. (Send lots of letters and <3!)

2009-09-16T09:48:00.017-07:00

Where am I going, you ask?

Well, I have been trying to get into Mercy Ministries since October of 2008. I all but gave up after doctors and one previous residential treatment centre made it nearly impossible to get past records and medical health summaries.

It took me until 8 June to finally get onto the waitlist, at which time I did 9 half-page/full-page assignments based on books they sent me every 2 weeks. I also had check-in phone calls from their intake department every two weeks.

On Thursday (two weeks ago), I got a call from the director of the brand-spankin' new California home. I was really sick at the time, so I waited until this last Monday (7 September) to call back, at which time she just asked some questions and asked how I was feeling about coming to Mercy- "Do you still feel like you would be able to challenge yourself while here, and are you feeling ready and open to coming?" I had a feeling that she was hinting that I would be given an admit date soon.

And I was right: one of the ladies called me this Monday, left a voicemail (I screen my phone calls if I don't recognise the number), and I called back Tuesday afternoon. Finally, they dropped the bomb:

I will be going to Mercy Ministries in Lincoln, CA for an indefinite period of time (6+ months) on 7 October, and my intake time is at 1.30 PM.

What does that mean? It means I will be very homesick, and definitely longing for outside familiarity. Basically, I'm implying that I would LOVE e-mail or a comment in this blog entry, asking for my snail mail address and phone number for while I am there at MM.

(I will edit this post when I find out the hours for visiting and accepting phone calls. Also, if you're visiting, I just wanted you to note that the address I provide, unless otherwise stated, is only a mailing address... not the actual home's location.)

Also...
I'm really scared, terrified, anxious, angry, fearful, selfish, guilty, ashamed, and all of the above, so I apologise in advance if I seem distant in the next few weeks while I prepare myself.
---

EDIT:

Some of you have asked about visiting, which is just so super awesome radical fantastic coolio! (Haha.) At any rate, according to the paperwork I just received yesterday after via e-mail:

"[Visits] are typically done outside the home (in the city where the home is located) and reserved for weekend passes for the most part. Your parents/family may call the Program Director to schedule these after you have been in the home for thirty days."

That means, in essence, that after 30 days, you should be able to call me, and we'll talk about your visit, and if we agree about it (read: if I can handle a visit!), then I guess you're supposed to call the same phone number listed above, and ask about visiting/speaking with the Program Director. However, I'm not really sure, since they said "parents/family," if friends can come visit, after all. I sure hope so! But anyway, I cannot put the address of the home here in this note, but when you call to speak with the Program Director about visitation, you'll be able to get it then! :)

And, I just received this in an e-mail about phone calls and vistations:

"Lincoln residents can receive calls on Saturdays between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. You’ll be eligible for a weekend pass after the first 30 days. You may want to contact the Lincoln home to verify times you can call out on Sundays. They’ll be happy to assist."

In response to Jessi B's question: Sadly, I am only able to bring five Christian books (though I'm sure more can be sent in, ya think?), but I'm curious- what book is it? And no, I truly doubt that they would throw away your letter if you curse since I have a right to receiving my own private mail, unless there's some sort of threat (which...I doubt you're gonna threaten me, are you?). But in all truth and honesty, we might as well not curse, cos I find no real purpose to it. ;) Thanks for asking those questions, and let me know about the book's title!

In response to Lizz's question: I will update this later when I get an e-mail back, but I'm pretty sure I could accept care packages. I just sent a message asking what is considered contraband when people send mail, but I'm pretty sure you know a lot of it already. Thanks, Lizz- that's so thoughtful! I will seriously be so happy to receive mail from anyone, even if it's just a "hey" and your name.

And, I just received this in an e-mail:

"Regarding care packages, tell friends that they cannot send music CDs or books that are not Christian in nature. No clothing with inappropriate logos, symbols, writing. Once you get to the home, you can speak with your counselor about appropriate care packages."

In response to Donna's and Alli's question: No, there are no internet or cell phones at Mercy. Just gotta do it the old-fashioned way (which I like better, anyway)! So...uhm, send phone cards? :D

I will continue to edit this note when I get more definite information, and as the intake date draws nearer! <3

Thanks for understanding, guys, and for all of your continued support and care.

You Can Be Loved. (From My Personal E-Mail Inbox.)

2009-09-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

It must have been "a God thing" when I received this in my e-mail inbox this evening. I've been having one of those weeks, where nothing I do can ever seem to measure up and meet my own rather irrational expectations. When I dig deeper inside, I see that, inside the void in the pit of my stomach, is actually a little girl who desperately needs and wants to be loved unconditionally- no strings attached, no hidden motives or agendas.

Typically, I must admit, I will see the "FW:" (forward) in an e-mail subject line... and immediately delete it, without even clicking to find out what the message says. I just get too much "spam mail" these days- as do most of us, I'm assuming, right? But this one happened to call me to open it, and I'm actually glad I did.

So... with no further ado:
Here is said e-mail (originally written by Jen Lemen), with much love and thanks to my friend Ali.

You can be loved...

even if you are not perfect
even if you don’t know the answer
even if you are horribly confused
even if you can’t make anyone feel better
even if you don’t know how to make yourself well
even if you made a mistake
even if you don’t know how to be
even if you are ashamed
even if you are hopeless
even if you don’t quite fit in
even if you are scared
even if you are lonely
even if you shouldn’t be having such a hard time right now
even if you don’t think so
even if you haven’t found your place yet
even if you aren’t proud of yourself
even if no one has really seen you before
even if you don’t know what to do
even if you try too hard
even if you’re disappointed
even if you don’t really like yourself right now
even if you are beyond good advice
even if you don’t know how to cry
even if you think this must be meant for someone other than you

What Were Those Side Effects Again? (Discussion about ADHD Medication.)

2009-09-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

To clarify a bit about why I wrote this and decided to post it here: I wrote this on a "medications' review board" for Adderall on the side effects, and whether it actually helps even out the symptoms of ADHD or not- in my experience. I decided to post it here, because I have a close friend who, I just found out a few days ago, has taken Adderall habitually "just for the energy to do okay in school... and to lose weight." I was shocked, and honestly, pretty angry! Taking this medication "willy-nilly" can easily become an addiction and can be very dangerous- just like any illegal street drug, if you are not taking a medically prescribed amount for diagnosed ADHD! Adderall, Ritalin, Strattera, etc are not for weight loss or other recreational uses. Hopefully, if you've been thinking of somehow illegally obtaining it, you'll think again...
---

Typical side effects:

nausea
panic and/or anxiety
energetic, sometimes to the point of mania
sleeplessness, "drained," or physical exhaustion
extremely painful, involuntary jaw-clenching
long-lasting, acute tension headaches
lower back aching
dry lips and mouth, which leads to chewing on lips compulsively
weight loss (resulting from other side effects, such as lack of appetite, maniacal physical activity, and dry mouth)
feeling strong compulsions to do repetitive or "perfecting" tasks (eg, wasting ten full minutes lining up a pen and pencil so they are "perfectly" parallel)
worsening of obsessional thoughts (I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder before taking Adderall)
fluctuation between excessively dry or oily skin
mild mood swings while taking it (I have been diagnosed with multiple co-morbid mental illnesses), but...
severe depression, suicidal ideation, mania, and/or rage, if I miss a full day's (or two) of the medication
overwhelming urge to smoke much more than I typically do
chronic constipation, until the moment I eat something, which causes...
severe and urgent diarrhea (hey, don't get all "ewww!" on me- these are the cold, hard facts!)

I take 10mg of Adderall 3x/day for ADHD, after being diagnosed in February 2008; however, my mother is absolutely sure I have had it for years (since I was a very young child). I'm not sure, but I believe that all of these typical side effects happen when I have:

Unintentionally mixed the medication with too much caffeine- that is, several cups of black tea or a few large cups of coffee.
Stupidly forgotten to take my medication for a day, and then resume taking the medication the next day.
Been getting over a very bad flu, or have otherwise suppressed immune system.

Only within this last week or so, when I've been in the utter pits of despair due to being sick with the flu, have I ever noticed the sheer amount of cigarettes that I've been puffing through, or the painful extent of how hard and often I was clenching my jaw. I now feel as though my cheeks are puffed with acorns, and I can't completely close my mouth due to a "phantom" or "perceived" dislocated jaw. The same goes for pretty much all the other side effects listed above.

  On a positive note:

It took me so long, with my mother actually agreeing to come and talk to the psychiatrist about my childhood, to convince my doctor to prescribe me some form of medication for ADHD. Sadly, after years of hardcore therapy, I've come to realise that an illness I suffer from (anorexia nervosa) stems from the need to calm myself down, and thus cutting out foods (that is, energy) to do so. Fifteen or more years and multiple hospitalisations and treatment centres later, I was relieved to find someone that would finally, though hesitantly, prescribe me a small dose of Adderall, just to see if it would help. And it most definitely did. Yes, there are times when I am still blurry and hazy when it comes to getting things done or wander while trying to get a point across, but Adderall (due to proper dosing and medical supervision) has helped me a lot.  

And now, the final topic I'd like to address:

For those of who who've decided to buy these drugs off your friends to help you "study for a test," or (God forbid) to "lose a little weight" (No, it's not permanent!), you are making it all the more difficult for the patients who truly need Adderall in order to get through the day. I have found it nearly impossible to find a doctor or psychiatrist who will prescribe it here in my hometown, and their explanation is always the same- "We don't prescribe medications like Adderall for ADHD because someone else may get a hold of it and sell it to people wanting to get a kick."

  So! For those of you who pop pills to stay up all night and cram, in order to do well on that test:

Stop procrastinating- do the homework and studying throughout the course like you're supposed to
Finish your homework ahead of schedule, instead of losing sleep, popping Adderall, and getting it done 1 hour before it's due- you're only fooling yourself if you think you'll ever be able to pass the mid-terms or final later on
Remember that you will most likely not remember much of what you've studied, and in fact, may even do worse on the impending test, because the brain actually needs "rapid-eye movement" (REM) sleep in order to consolidate memories- that means that, even though you've stayed awake all night cramming, you're probably only going to really remember the last few pages, exercises, etc of what you studied the night before

  For those of you who "just wanna/need to lose weight" by taking Adderall, I challenge you to:

Learn how to eat appropriately and exercise adequately, by seeing a dietitian if possible
Start advocating for positive and healthy body image by ditching the gossip magasines and sticking to non-aesthetics based television channels or websites- for example, if you have cable, block E!, VH1, MTv, Style Network, etc- while even perhaps seeing a therapist to work out the deeper issues with self-esteem
Remember that Adderall is highly-addictive medication- if used by individuals without ADHD, it can cause the same amount of devastating damage of a street drug like cocaine or speed; do you really want to jeopardise your long-term physical and mental health in order to temporarily lose a few pounds? If you "just don't care"- definitely get your bum into a therapist's office now! I don't want to make any assumptions about your mental health, but you've obviously got some deeper issues you need to work on, in order to live a full and happy life!

  Anyway, sorry for the novel. Just some "food for thought."

"Inside Out: Portrait of an ED" by Nadia Shivack. (A Book Review.)

2009-09-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

Though, more than likely, I would not purchase this book (I borrowed it from the library), it was an interesting look at how therapeutic the arts can be for those struggling with eating disorders. In my own experience, drawing and collaging have been amazing venues for my own powerful and destructive thoughts; however, as Nadia Shivack shows, art therapy alone does not make the "voices" disappear, nor will it "cure" you when you struggle with a severe and chronic ED.

For those who do not struggle with an ED, reading the typical, non-fiction "informative manual" may be educative, but it doesn't illustrate the unsaid, secretive, and painful world of the sufferer. Shivack's revealing artwork, though it may seem child-like, gives an eye-opening look at the back-and-forth, "good vs evil" beliefs inside the eating disordered mind. She does this without any false claims at being "cured" or completely "recovered." Even in closing, she finishes her book by explaining that she has had many hospitalisations since its conception- but she reassures the reader by saying that she has continued to strive toward recovery, using her creativity to aid her in that goal.

"Inside Out: Portrait of an Eating Disorder" by Nadia Shivack is a good book for many different readers: alternative therapists, those looking for introductive knowledge about EDs (whether suffering from an ED or not), and those struggling with the idea that there is hope for recovery.

Terrified. (Personal Musings.)

2009-09-04T19:20:00.001-07:00

Guys, I'm scared. So why am I scared? I'm terrified that, after 3 months on the waitlist, I may be "going to Mercy Ministries."

I received a phone call from a director of the California home, that is supposedly opening its doors on 1 October, on Wednesday (2 September). She said, in the voicemail, that she wanted to "chat for a minute"- and what is my brain doing? It's "catastrophising": "What if she tells me I'm going to the CA home? I wanted to go to TN!" or "What the heck am I getting myself into?"

Hey, who knows? Maybe she was just calling because I had emailed awhile back about helping out when it comes to donations, but never followed-up. How typical of me.

But after reading the initial email from 8 June, when I was placed on the waitlist, it said that a director of the home I'd be placed in (either LA, TN, or CA) would call two weeks or so before I was supposed to be admitted. So maybe she was calling about an admit date...?

All I can think is this: I don't want to go! I'm too afraid to leave my husband (they only accept married women in "isolated cases"), and make these HUGE life changes that I keep hearing about from testimonies. I can't eat the food they want me to, nor can I deal with living with 39 other girls (some of them way younger than me). I don't want to come home after six or more months away, and be a person that my husband refuses to love (he's a hardcore atheist). And no, I absolutely do not need or want to gain any weight, but I know it'll be required. I just wished I could have been on the waitlist a little longer, to lose a little more of this weight off my legs and stomach and bum...

But I have to go. It is my only option, and after losing multiple friends who "don't think [I'm] trying hard enough to get help," it's the only thing I can do to somehow "win them back." Who knows? Maybe I'll learn something, too. I just don't know. There are too many "what ifs."

HELP.

Wicked, Tricksy, False. (Film Interpretations.)

2009-09-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

So, I wrote this awhile back- about 7 months ago, to be exact. I thought it would be interesting to share, and glean some of your thoughts on this...
---

Kevin and I were watching The Lord of the Rings trilogy tonight, yesterday, and the night before that, and there is part in which Smeagol is battling his inner demon Gollum in a mini-monologue. (Or would that be dialogue? Haha!) To me, it was like observing the my own thought processes (as well as anyone with an eating disorder) when it comes to recovery and the treatment team who wants to help.

For me, I see "it"/"the precious" as anorexia nervosa, the hobbits/Master as the treatment team, Gollum as the innermost thoughts while battling an ED, and Smeagol as our true and logical selves. What do you think?

Watch for yourself, and give me your opinion, if you will:

Hmmm...
(For those of you with an eating disorder, or who have struggled with an eating disorder in the past: Doesn't this eerily remind you of your own internal fight?)

You know, and the more I think about it, like some of you have mentioned, the whole story line of the trilogy (especially when it comes to Smeagol/Gollum and the ring) reminds me very much of the struggles we all endure and the way an eating disorder can become like a "new identity."

Examples:

In the beginning, becoming obsessed with the ring, and his physical/mental state slowly deteriorating (the eating disorder destroying our life).
Gollum always fighting to obtain the ring despite Smeagol logically knowing what it has done (often, we try to obtain an unattainable goal by using the eating disorder, instead of a positive coping mechanism).
The way Smeagol once again becomes engulfed with the thoughts of the ring in the end (what can happen if we ALLOW ourselves to be consumed by the ED- no pun intended).
The other characters that are involved in Smeagol/Gollum's life, like Samwise and Frodo mainly (Sam- the friends/loved ones that we must "prove" our recovery to constantly, Frodo- someone who empathises and trusts, or someone near to you that may be a "trigger" despite trying to help, etc).
In the end, because Smeagol doesn't fight the power of the ring/Gollum, he falls into Mordor (what can and WILL occur eventually if we do not constantly battle the ED, which SHOULD NOT and DOES NOT have control over our lives).
(I found this even MORE oddly coincidental, but...) The way the ring becomes such a force over its "protector" that they lose all appetite, become exhausted, and cannot sleep (all side effects of malnutrition/ED thoughts).
In the end, Frodo, despite battling the very ones he loves and respects, ends up throwing the ring into the fires of Mordor with the help of the other characters- even though he DOES lose a finger and ensures a lot of pain/difficulty! (This gives me hope, honestly, even though I know it's not really a film about eating disorders, and JRR Tolkien did note that book is not an allegory for anything. As he stated in the second edition of the novel, "It is neither allegorical nor topical....I cordially dislike allegory in all its manifestations, and always have done so since I grew old and wary enough to detect its presence." That being said, though, I can still see so many similarities. Despite the fact that recovery is typically a trying journey with many fights with loved ones/friends, and despite having to "lose" a lot in order to give up the identity of the ED, we CAN overcome this with our own sheer POWER and STRENGTH + the support of friends, family, and a treatment team.)

Can anyone find any more similarities in the films?

So... What Exactly IS "Recovery"?

2009-09-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

I've been left in a heaving ball of internal guilt and emotional pain. Why? Because last Thursday, I had three friends (all at once) tell me that they would not talk to me until I "got real help." Also, in the last month or two, I've had three other individuals refuse to speak with me, or make devastating claims about my mental state, feelings, nutrition intake, intentions, daily activities, etc (without seeing me, face to face). And today, I spoke with two people who 1) asked if I was "in recovery" and 2) hoped I would "seek recovery."

I'm not so much holding anything against any of these friends and acquaintances, as I realise they are only concerned and/or protecting themselves. What I am more interested in is how they define recovery. I decided to look it up- "What is recovery?" After typing it into Google search, this is what I found:

Hope
Medication/Treatment
Empowerment
Support
Education/Knowledge
Self-Help
Spirituality
Employment/Meaningful Activity

I believe these all to be valid points, a good include-all explanation of what recovery entails. I definitely agree with and am pleased to see "hope" as the first listed in this list.

However, I definitely believe "empowerment" and "self-help" are intimately tied to "hope" (and as such, should be listed immediately after "hope"). Without promoting your own well-being, mental health, and sanity, there is no hope of receiving and applying tools you are given in treatment ("Treatment"), sticking to a medication regime ("Medication"), using the education and knowledge you have to positively cope ("Education/Knowledge"), taking spiritual guidance to heart ("Spirituality"), gaining friendships or exploring other relationships ("Support"), and certainly not using your God-given talents to do something you have passion for ("Employment/Meaningful Activity").

So, what do I have or do with of this list? It's interesting, because I certainly am empowered to live my day-to-day life, pushing through any sort of depression or internal pain to continue upkeep of my home, etc. I take my medication appropriately everyday, with only the occasional forgetfulness that most people have. And treatment? Well, I've tried. People don't seem to really get it when I say that therapists here are seriously undereducated when it comes to eating disorders, nor do they believe me when I say any therapists I have found that have experience with EDs don't accept "out-of-pocket" (AKA cash-pay) clients. But at any rate, I am on the waitlist (have been since 8 June) for Mercy Ministries, which is my only option at this point. No, I don't enjoy the stress of needing to do the "helpful" MM assignments every two weeks, and the check-in calls seem hurried, rushed, false. In honesty, I am more interested in just getting a part-time job, or going back to school for a few classes (meaningful activity and employment), but I'm on this neverending wishlist, and the day they call to give me an admit date is always up in the air. (Their "estimate" of how long I could be waiting ranged from six weeks to six months!) Anyway, I'm certainly well-educated and knowledgeable about this illness, and all the deep complexities of it, and I continue to explore and use spirituality to help me see more clearly (though admittedly, I wish I were more active within the church family, and definitely want to apply the Word to my life much more). I truly have little "support" if you were to refer to community resources, friends, and/or family, so I turn to what I can, which is generally online friends who are in recovery themselves (despite potentially never meeting them face-to-face). This can definitely be a double-edged sword: It can be very nice to have someone who understands the ups-and-downs of this term called "recovery." Then again, it can truly drag you down when these friends are struggling, making assumptions about your state of mind and intentions, or even making negative remarks about your physical appearance (while ignoring your own perceived progress). It truly is just a vicious human circle- support is necessary, but it's so incredibly difficult to make sure there's a balance or give-and-take connexion- not just emotional dependency (the Strong friend vs the Weak friend, both who are "needy" for the other).

That leaves us, in the end, with "hope" and "self-help." So, do I have hope? Not exactly, I've realised. My hope is rather short-lived. I hope that I'll wake up tomorrow. Or hope that I won't get too tired this morning, so that I'm able to get some chores done. Occasionally, yes, I do have hope that this grand, macroview of my future will be exciting or something that is fulfilling. But in honesty, I've felt that this life will be short for me (well, almost hoped it would be), so some fabulous and rewarding future seems like static on a television or as though I'm trying to see through a pea-soup thick fog. And I guess I question things much too often, since I often internally ask: "Okay, so what's really the point of being here on Earth? Why continue to run the rat race?" And self-help... what does that mean? Does it mean helping myself survive? Because, if so, that is certainly what I am doing. I constantly must weigh and balance (no pun intended!) the anxiety of living a "behaviour-free" life (which could lead to severe panic, pain, fear, and debilitating depression) versus staying "comfortably numb" within the confines of anorexia nervosa. Ah, the self-doubt is tangible!

Where does this leave me? Asking more questions than I have answers.
---
Sources:
+Harvesting Our Personal Efforts. "What is Recovery?" Accessed 3 September 2009.
+National Eating Disorders Association. "Get Help Today." Accessed 4 September 2009.
---"Resources and Links." Accessed 4 September 2009.
+My Inspiration Lounge. "Home/About." Accessed 4 September 2009.
+WeRFreedomFighters. "Welcome." Accessed 4 September 2009.
+Something-Fishy. "Remember It Hurts Community." Accessed 4 September 2009.
+FINDINGbalance. "Treatment and Recovery." Accessed 4 September 2009.
---"Spiritual Aspects." Accessed 4 September 2009.
+Simply|Hired. "Home/Search." Accessed 4 September 2009.
+VolunteerMatch. "Home/Search." Accessed 4 September 2009.

Little Bird. (My Mad Ramblings.)

2009-09-02T22:09:00.000-07:00

After reading my own prose and writings and scribblings, my thoughts released on lined paper inside tiny journals... I find them full of question marks, cages, dust, and birds longing to fly free. I express undying curiosity to understand "their" concern, questions, ambitions for me. And I use bitter expressions to shelter, protect my own true deeper understanding. So, you see why this entire song speaks to my innermost being, that gnawing hole in the darkest part of my core.

And now, I'm refusing to clip my wings. This little bird is flying her coop...
---

Little Bird
by Imogen Heap:

(Scroll down to pause my blog music playlist, to the right of the screen.)

Little bird, little bird, little bird
What do you hear?
The clink of morning cheers
Orange juice concentrate
Crossword puzzles start to grate
One across
Four letter word, it's just not sitting

Little bird, little bird, little bird
What do you see?
A picture-perfect scene
Two-toned lawns are manicured
The garden's wearing haute couture

It's hiding something
It's trying too hard
Hiding something
It's trying too hard

Little bird, little bird, little bird
Where are they now?
Daytime TV lounge
A carriage clock, a mantle piece
A family wiped up, J-Cloth cleaned
Unsaid, festers in the throws of the sofa

Little bird, little bird, little bird
How are you feeling?
Like helping quarantine:
Pearly whites, touch down smile,
Haps and creases round the eyes

Telltale, heart sail
We smell rats in the kitchen
Telltale, heart sail
We smell rats in the kitchen

Little bird, little bird, little bird
What can we do?
A think-tank, think "rescue"
Simon Says, Etch-a-Sketch
Send a golden message only he would get
Quickly now
'Cause this is not how it ends

Little bird, little bird, little bird
(Little bird, little bird, little bird)
Well I've got one more question
(Little bird, little bird, little bird)
And I swear I'll let it rest
(Little bird, little bird, little bird)
Well I've just one more question
(Little bird, little bird, little bird)
And I swear I'll let it rest

One more question
I'll let it rest
I swear I'll let it rest
Got one more question
(And I swear I'll let it rest)
I've got one more question

Little bird, little bird, little bird
Where have you gone?
---

"Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark." -R. Tagore

Ellipse. (A Brilliant New Album by Imogen Heap.)

2009-08-31T11:19:00.000-07:00

Our darling and ethereal Imogen Heap has gone and done it again with her newest album entitled Ellipse.

Her poignant and deeply-dug lyrics are spell-binding, threatening to take hold of my consciousness and lull me into a dreamlike state. And yet, between every lullaby, Heap neatly tucks in a quirky and upbeat melody. Don't be fooled, though: these cutesy-ish songs have bite, with their satirical, double-meaning lyrics...

So, dear readers, I shall share one of my favourite songs + lyrics (and a "music video"- to listen, scroll down and pause my blog playlist on the right of your screen), that comes straight from Imogen Heap's brilliant mind. This song has resonated with me, in a playful sense, as I relate to my interpretation of her message:

Bad Body Double

She pops into the bathroom
Just after a shower and
She plays with my makeup and creams
Keeps trying to look like me

And goes through the motions
Posing this way and that,
Holding it in,
If it makes you feel better, then knock yourself out

Say hi there to my bad body double
This is my bad body double trouble
Oh no, my bad body double, mmmhm
I've got bad body double trouble, oh.

She's trouble
She's trouble
She's trouble, alright.

Yeah, yeah

Sometimes I manage to lose her
Shake her at a bar, in the gym for five minutes
It feels so good to be back to my own self again-
Can get quite confusing.

We look very similar except she's got some grays and
A little extra weight on the sides
And dimply thighs,
I hear that stuff's a bitch to get rid of
(No, no, no, no)

We're having quite an intimate, personal moment (not now)
Could you maybe come at a slightly less awful time? (not now)
She can see I've got someone quite nice here with me
Can't we just be left alone...
I guess that's a no then
Seeing as you're still here
Seeing as you're still here
Here

It's not me, no
It's my bad body double
I got bad body double trouble
Oh no, my bad body double, mmmhm
I've got bad body double trouble, agh.
Bad body double, mmhm.
I've got bad body double trouble
Oh dear, my bad body double.
I got bad body double trouble.

She's trouble
She's trouble
She's trouble, alright.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
She's trouble
She's trouble
She's trouble, alright.
Yeah, yeah, right there.

Can't shake her, Can't shake her, Can't shake her, Can't shake her
Everywhere I go, Everywhere I go, goooo
Can't shake her, Can't shake her, Can't shake her, Can't shake her
Everywhere I go, Everywhere I go, goooo

Say hi there,
To my bad body double
My bad, bad, bad body double.
She's trouble
I can't shake her
And I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.
She's everywhere I go,

I'm going to get rid
Of you once and for all...

---

So clickety-click away on the album title (located at the top of this post), and a new window will open for you to purchase the special edition MP3s on Amazon. Trust me, I know you'll be swept off your feet. (I mean, honestly, even NPR got in on the Imogen-y goodness!)

As for me, I'm on the waitlist for the Foundation for Imogen Heap Addicts rehabilitation facility. Tee hee...

Hope- It Never Asked a Crumb of Me.

2009-08-30T14:31:00.001-07:00

Hope, by Emily Dickinson:

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all.

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

---
This poem has brought tears to my eyes multiple times, as it is truly meaningful in regards to my own life. Emily Dickinson has been one of my favourite poets (poetess?) for an extraordinarily long time now, and I've even written multiple research papers on her, her life, and her work. I think I may be just a tad... obsessed with her, because anytime I find a fictional or non-fictional book related to Dickinson, I have to have it. For anyone who is interested, my favourite fictional novel about her (and her sister Lavinia) is "The Sister: A Novel of Emily Dickinson" by the late Paola Kaufmann. Check it out.

(Oh, and keep the votes coming on my poll- what do you want me to write about?)

Up to That Point (An Abridged Autobiography).

2009-08-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

Another hilarious tidbit from my "past life"- here is something I wrote about my first 17 years, as a senior in high school (2004). I don't remember the reason for writing it, but it's odd to see just how much my life has changed since I wrote this six years ago.

(PS: Check out the awesome jam-packed shelf behind me in the above photo. Like my mother's empowering collection? Oh, and gotta love the kid pictures of my sister, mom, and me! Ahaha!)

The (Abridged) Story of my Life

I've been raised by 'smart' parents. By 'smart', I mean that book-smart, lacking-of-emotional-sensitivity class of people. My mother likes examining and collecting rocks, lecturing others on the value of excessive coupon-using and reading books at a voracious pace. My father enjoys using lengthy words to condescend others, working and talking about cars and cooking dinner for others. I took after this frame of mind, receiving praise from teachers for my high grade point average and motivation to learn. My younger sister, who was born in 1988, used to be a hard-worker in school, trying as hard as she could to get excellent grades. However, she soon became another rebellious teen, failing numerous classes, becoming passionate about friends, fashion, and music, while flipping my entire world upside-down. We share a room and when she decided to be the 'unique' one in the family, she became cluttered and unorganized, her social life preventing her from cleaning up after herself. My parents have given up on encouraging her to improve her lifestyle and don't understand her career choice as a fashion designer.

However, that's my family--mostly misunderstanding anything dealing with passion. There's one thing they do comprehend though, and that's the importance of learning as much as you can. During the summer between seventh and eighth grade, they were able to send me to Russia and Belarus as a foreign exchange student for three weeks. It was my first traveling experience and after a week there, I learned what poverty was (and what being drunk was like). After going to the only McDonald's in Minsk, Belarus and having to pay for a packet of ketchup, I realized just how lucky I am to live in America, where food is relatively cheap and readily available. By staying with a family in Minsk, I made an international friend that I still stay in contact with to this day.

Three years later, after scraping together enough money, my parents sent me to stay with my friend in France for three months. Now, that wouldn't have been a life-changing experience to most, but it taught me a lot about myself and others around me. Before my trip to France, I suffered heavily from anorexia and bulimia. It affected my self-esteem, my health, and the way I treated others. I needed help desperately, but it seemed my family wasn't going to give me the aid I needed. The family I stayed with, however, helped to boost my confidence and learn many valuable lessons. I learned how to interact with a different culture. I learned to perceive beauty in amazing attractions that you see in tourism brochures, like the Eiffel Tower at night and the Sacre Coeur. I learned how to get around an airport without getting too lost. In addition, I learned the language of love to near fluency--something I had always wanted to do.

Both traveling experiences changed my view on the world and after those events, I'm sure I'll be an international traveler when I'm a bit older. Also, learning the French language has made me consider becoming an English teacher in France. In this way, I would consider traveling to France be a major life-changing event.

Although traveling helped me realize what I perhaps want to do in the future, so has my current relationship. As of August 15th of 2004, I will have been dating my boyfriend Kevin Mershon for 15 months. After four months of dating last year, Kevin began his fall semester classes at San Jose State University, while I was still stuck in high school in Bakersfield. Together, we have gotten through many trials, such as the distance between us, which we are still dealing with today. Moreover, his parents do not accept us as a sexually active couple, making it difficult to share any intimacy. We plan for our future together, despite the three and a half hour drive and parental disapproval that separates us.

All the people and events in my life have attributed to my personality traits. Generally, I am a hard-worker, trying to attain good grades and please my parents. However, I am also moody, as I suffer from on-and-off depression and extreme anxiety. I've been prone to extreme obsession, which presented itself when I became anorexic, bulimic, a compulsive eater. Despite my past problems, I make friends pretty easily, since I look beyond their bad qualities and find only the good.