Pregnancy is becoming more and more real everyday. Not only did I find an outcropping of ruby-coloured stretchmarks extending across my ever-expanding fleshy buttocks this morning (29 weeks, 5 days), but acid reflux has become a daily plague that causes me to burp and vomit at the same time (morning, noon, and especially at night). In fact, one night, I "slept" in my husband's recliner because otherwise, I am sure I would have drowned in my own stomach acid. Mmm, pregnancy sure sounds fun, right?
Sorry for the negativity- that is probably attributable to my up-and-down rollercoaster hormones, which have kicked into high-gear. I can be okay one moment, and then a bawling mess the next. It takes a lot of energy to keep from just going nuts on myself and on my husband. I'm getting butt-hurt over the small, insignificant things. (Wow, yeah, my mind is still on those ugly butt stretchmarks, can you tell? >:|)The 20 of June marked me going on disability leave, and though, YES, I KNOW IT'S EARLY (seriously, stop making me feel even more guilty about it!), I am glad that I have taken this time for myself. The stress and physical pain I was feeling at work was just not worth it, I realise, and I am glad my doctor was the one who flat-out suggested that I go on leave. At any rate, that doesn't mean that I'm not bored as heck, but I'm trying to start reading up on what to expect from birth and motherhood, and just finishing up projects.
On that note, we finally got our co-ed BBQ/pool party baby shower invitations sent out, and uhm, wow... lots of people were invited. I know most of them will probably not come, but stil! Let's hope no one brings any booze! Also, Kevin and his dad finished painting Lucas' room, and now I just feel that much more excited about his arrival.
We saw Dr Hoang at 29 weeks, 1 day, and now that I've decided to find out my weight everytime, I am thankful to say that my weight did not go up (in fact, it went "down" by .6 of a pound) in the last couple weeks. I'm just trying to be more conscious of when I'm eating, and of my snacks (fruit instead of jellybeans and frozen yoghurt, Subway 6-inch veggie sandwich instead of hospital cafeteria lasagne), because Lord knows, I don't want to gain more weight than I need to. (Plus, everyone seems to think it's a great idea to rub it in that the last trimester is when you "really start getting big!") Despite that, I am still not okay with what my lower half is doing (seemingly ballooning up)... and that was just compounded when I tried on a maternity tankini swimsuit earlier this week. I spent the rest of the night sobbing my eyes out, after discovering several stretchmarks running down my thighs under my butt. And yes, I know that sounds ridiculous, but I have to be able to mourn the loss of my body, even if Lucas is our blessing and miracle.
At any rate, I talked to the doctor about my birth preferences (heplock/no IV, intermittent monitoring/being able to move around, and having a doula with us) and, in his words, he said: “I want this to be your best da_n pregnancy, so we have no problem whatsoever with allowing you to do whatever you want, as long as everything is going fine.” He seemed totally open about my doula being in the room and about going naturally (WITHOUT pitocin)! :) PHEW! What a weight off my shoulders, and I’m so glad that he is understanding. Let's just hope the hospital is equally respectful...
I think that it's brave that your letting out your feelings :) Negative or not, it's good not to let those feelings fester! Just keep thanking God for the blessing inside you, and try not to focus on those stretch marks ;) Once Lucas comes, it will be all worth it-stretch marks, hormones, acid burps and the whole shabang! :)
ReplyDeleteI disagree. I am really resentful of what my body now looks like, and I do not think I will get over it. Thanks for trying to encourage me.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're struggling with these thoughts, I can only imagine how hard it must be... however, do you think that maybe focusing on thoughts of having a strong, healthy baby would help (as opposed to thinking about what your body will look like)? I ask because... my mom's best friend's son and his wife just had a baby. He's a little over 2 weeks old now; but he was born a month premature. The Dr.s said if he could eat and keep a stable temperature, he should be able to go home within a few days... 2 weeks later, and he's in a new, more specialized hospital, they're running tests on him, and are saying it's VERY likely he has Prader Willi Syndrome :( I think that's what above may have been trying to say; not minimize the feelings you have in any way, but saying moreso, a healthy and happy baby will make those issues seem far less important once he is actually here.
ReplyDeleteI was honestly getting a bit jealous reading this... I have NEVER been pregnant, yet my inner arms & thighs, lower back, butt, chest, and tummy are all laced with stretch marks from being obese when I was a young teenager :P I hate hate hate them... but I have to keep reminding myself that they don't mean I'm fat, ugly, ect. (the things the negative thoughts WANT me to think). Easier said than to think about, but Lily, the people who truly love us love us for who we ARE, not how awesome or not awesome our bodies are. Negative voices suck big time, let's not let them win >:|
Sending you lots of positive vibes <3
xoxo- Monique
Thanks for this reminder, Monique. I've had horrible thoughts toward myself, husband, and baby. I'm feeling a little less psychotic but I am just dreading any more stretchmarks. For some reason, in my mind, stretchmarks = too fat, too much weight gain. :/
ReplyDelete