Guys, I'm scared. So why am I scared? I'm terrified that, after 3 months on the waitlist, I may be "going to Mercy Ministries."
I received a phone call from a director of the California home, that is supposedly opening its doors on 1 October, on Wednesday (2 September). She said, in the voicemail, that she wanted to "chat for a minute"- and what is my brain doing? It's "catastrophising": "What if she tells me I'm going to the CA home? I wanted to go to TN!" or "What the heck am I getting myself into?"
Hey, who knows? Maybe she was just calling because I had emailed awhile back about helping out when it comes to donations, but never followed-up. How typical of me.
But after reading the initial email from 8 June, when I was placed on the waitlist, it said that a director of the home I'd be placed in (either LA, TN, or CA) would call two weeks or so before I was supposed to be admitted. So maybe she was calling about an admit date...?
All I can think is this: I don't want to go! I'm too afraid to leave my husband (they only accept married women in "isolated cases"), and make these HUGE life changes that I keep hearing about from testimonies. I can't eat the food they want me to, nor can I deal with living with 39 other girls (some of them way younger than me). I don't want to come home after six or more months away, and be a person that my husband refuses to love (he's a hardcore atheist). And no, I absolutely do not need or want to gain any weight, but I know it'll be required. I just wished I could have been on the waitlist a little longer, to lose a little more of this weight off my legs and stomach and bum...
But I have to go. It is my only option, and after losing multiple friends who "don't think [I'm] trying hard enough to get help," it's the only thing I can do to somehow "win them back." Who knows? Maybe I'll learn something, too. I just don't know. There are too many "what ifs."