04 September 2009

Terrified. (Personal Musings.)

Guys, I'm scared. So why am I scared? I'm terrified that, after 3 months on the waitlist, I may be "going to Mercy Ministries."

I received a phone call from a director of the California home, that is supposedly opening its doors on 1 October, on Wednesday (2 September). She said, in the voicemail, that she wanted to "chat for a minute"- and what is my brain doing? It's "catastrophising": "What if she tells me I'm going to the CA home? I wanted to go to TN!" or "What the heck am I getting myself into?"

Hey, who knows? Maybe she was just calling because I had emailed awhile back about helping out when it comes to donations, but never followed-up. How typical of me.

But after reading the initial email from 8 June, when I was placed on the waitlist, it said that a director of the home I'd be placed in (either LA, TN, or CA) would call two weeks or so before I was supposed to be admitted. So maybe she was calling about an admit date...?

All I can think is this: I don't want to go! I'm too afraid to leave my husband (they only accept married women in "isolated cases"), and make these HUGE life changes that I keep hearing about from testimonies. I can't eat the food they want me to, nor can I deal with living with 39 other girls (some of them way younger than me). I don't want to come home after six or more months away, and be a person that my husband refuses to love (he's a hardcore atheist). And no, I absolutely do not need or want to gain any weight, but I know it'll be required. I just wished I could have been on the waitlist a little longer, to lose a little more of this weight off my legs and stomach and bum...

But I have to go. It is my only option, and after losing multiple friends who "don't think [I'm] trying hard enough to get help," it's the only thing I can do to somehow "win them back." Who knows? Maybe I'll learn something, too. I just don't know. There are too many "what ifs."

HELP.

4 comments:

  1. God will take care of you, its always scary when a plan comes to fruition, but this could be a wonderful experience. If you don't try you'll never know how good it could be.

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  2. I think you will be fine, and that you should accept the help. Eating disorders are not worth losing friends over, and also I am sure if your husband loves you he will not refuse to love you if your beliefs change.
    Give this a try, it may end up helping you out alot =)

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  3. I've already lost many, many, many friends and relationships (family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc) due to the ED. Now that I'm just trying to live my life, people refuse to see past my physical appearance and leave me just because my weight isn't socially acceptable. It's painful and frustrating. As for my beliefs, I am what one could call a "lukewarm Christian" but because MM is so charismatically Christian, I'm afraid it will change my beliefs dramatically, which WILL affect my husband's view of me. His beliefs are just as important as my beliefs, and he's expressed how difficult it is to be in a relationship with me because of my beliefs. There's just a variety of different issues at play that have caused me a lot of grief.

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  4. Hmm. Understandable. It's horrible that people are shunned if different characteristics are not "socially acceptable", it really is. I think that in this situation it is important to put yourself in front of your husband, in efforts to fix and preserve not only your health, but your life. Perhaps just keeping your beliefs to yourself, and not preaching them as some might, will help your husband to be more accepting. You can be as Christian as you need/want to while you are away, but can make attempts to keep it toned down when you return to your husband. At least he will see that you are trying.

    Overall, I think that this sounds like a good idea, and a risk that you should take.
    If you need to talk at all or anything, feel free to email me at bonjourpaix@aol.com
    Hope I have been some help!

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